Here’s a question for you.

When you think of the character traits you want your child to have when they grow up, what are they?

Everyone is a little different, but most people want their children to be resilient, independent, and self-assured. We also want them to be compassionate, kind and caring, and a range of other things too.

But the important thing is that we want our children to grow up to be able to stand on their own two feet. To be able to bounce back after life throws them a curve ball, and to be confident in their own beliefs.

No one ever wants their kids to grow into compliant, obedient or submissive adults. Why would we?

And yet, we wish they’d be more compliant – and less defiant – when they’re young.

We want them to be obedient.

We want them to do as we ask and listen when we speak.

We don’t want them to fight back.

Ironic, isn’t it?

Here’s the thing though… I get it!

I am a mom, too. At the end of a busy day, when I am weary to my bones, all I want is a little cooperation from my kids. On those days, nothing sets me off quite like defiance. I want to either tame it down and gain back control or hide in a quiet corner and silently weep.

Is there a better option though?

Is there some way for me to deal with a defiant child without trying to break her spirit, or letting it grate on my nerves?

Here’s what I’ve found.

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Does this sound familiar?

You tell your kids you’re all going to the store, and one immediately responds with a whiny “Whhhhhyyyy?”

You calmly explain that you need some groceries, and a response comes back immediately: “I don’t waaaaant to go! Sophie’s mom never makes her go grocery shopping!”

Managing to stay calm, you explain that different families have different rules and, in your family, you don’t do things the way Sophie’s family does. And then, you ask your kids to put on their shoes.

(Yaay for a calm positive parenting moments, right?)

But instead of being appeased and hopping up to put on her shoes your child responds back with “And Sophie gets twice as much pocket money as I do!”

What?

And in a matter of seconds, the conversation turns from pocket money to the ‘fact’ that everyone else at school has a mobile phone.

And you find yourself having a full blown argument over the necessity of a mobile phone for an eight-year-old!

How did that happen?

All I did was asked my kids to get ready to go to the store! And here I was embroiled in a completely unrelated power struggle with my child.

If you have a strong-willed child with a mind of their own, you know what I’m talking about…

They have an opinion about everything and a rebuttal for every request.

Talking back is a way of life for them – as natural, and perhaps as involuntary, as sneezing when pepper gets in your nose.

They don’t do it to be disrespectful. They do it because… that’s just who they are!

On the one hand, you don’t want to squash their spirit. After all, there are studies to show that kids who talk back are likely to be more successful in life.

On the other hand, you are only human. There is only so much back talk you can take. You can’t afford for every request to go to the grocery store to turn into a debate over something entirely unrelated.

I’ve been there and I know how you feel. And over the years, I’ve found a way to deal with back talk without being drawn into power struggles, and without squashing my child and her wonderful spirit.

Here are the 5 tricks I use –

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I hate homework day.

Five minutes into my daughter starting it, she’s asked 4 irrelevant questions and walked across the room twice – for no reason.

She had a break when she first got in from school, and had a snack. Then we agreed to a little outside time before starting homework.

She’s got the book open and a pencil in her hand, but that’s the sum total of her achievement so far.

Her mind doesn’t seem to want to sit still – preferring to bounce all around the place. It’s like her mind is a magnet, and when it’s put near homework, it repels away from it.

When she was 5, I thought she would grow out of it; but at 8 years old I was beginning to worry.

As someone who likes to get in and get things done, it drives me nuts.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter dearly. But the way she gets distracted every 5 minutes during homework time is enough to make anyone go crazy.

She’s highly intelligent, has loads of positive energy and is warm and engaging. She can focus long and hard on anything she is interested in. But getting her to focus on homework she isn’t keen on? Damn near impossible.

I just couldn’t sustain parenting positively unless I got this under control. I wanted to take some action.

At one point when her distraction was driving me nuts, I had started to wonder if I should get her tested for attention deficit disorder (ADD). My research on this topic led me to discover some behavioral techniques used with ADD kids, that are also applicable to any child having difficulty focusing.

I decided to try them for teaching my daughter how to focus on homework. Some worked better than others but overall it has been a great success. Here are the ones that worked for us –

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They’re watching you.

You can feel several sets of eyes on you – watching and waiting for your next move.

Your child has just started screaming and thrashing, and everyone around is wondering what will happen next.

You can feel the weight of their stares, judgment, and disapproval. Not to mention their almost morbid curiosity.

It’s every parent’s nightmare… a public tantrum. It’s embarrassing, awkward and humiliating.

Particularly if you don’t deal with it “right”.

But can you actually deal with tantrums in public the “right” way while keeping your positive parenting hat on? Or, better yet, can you prevent the whole thing from happening in the first place?

Well, yes, I believe you can.

You see, tantrums can be prevented before you even set foot outside the house. And even when tensions rise and a tantrum seems imminent, it can be nipped in the bud.

And if the worst happens, and your child launches into a full-throttle temper tantrum in public, there are empathetic and supportive ways of handling the situation.

Let’s take a closer look at how to deal with tantrums today, particularly the ones that happen in public with the spotlight squarely on you. Specifically, we’ll look at 3 stages — the way before, the just before, and the during of the dreaded public temper tantrum.

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