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I walked into the huge doors of the high school, overwhelmed by emotion. It was all mixed up – joy, excitement, fear, pride, worry, disbelief.

My daughter was oblivious to it all. As she walked beside me she had her own feelings, but she hid hers beneath a cool smile, chatting with her best friends.

We were walking in to her high school orientation. This was her first glimpse at the next four years of her life. It was my first glimpse of how fast time had truly gone.

There are big transitions we face with our kids when they’re little. First steps, potty training, first day of kindergarten. So many milestones in such a short time. As they get older the milestones are harder to see.

There’s driving and first dates and graduation. All of them monumental in their own right. If we rush or blink too much we might miss some of the other things: middle school, first dance, first A, first F. They’re all part of a lifetime of steps on the way to adulthood.

My oldest starts high school in the fall. And this feels like a big deal. Even in middle school I was able to reason through how she’s still a kid and life might be going fast but we’re in the middle.

High school feels so much bigger, older, more like a getting ready for a goodbye. This shift feels complex for both of us. We are doing our best to feel ready. But not by looking at grades and course selection.

Here are 10 things that will help you both prepare for the high school years, no matter where you are at the moment.

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When Jill brought her second baby home from the hospital, her 4-year-old daughter, June, jumped up and down with delight to the point of exhaustion.

There was a big party to welcome her baby brother, and she had a total blast. As the last guest was leaving, June ran after her and screamed, “Wait, lady, you forgot your baby!!”

June’s delight turned to dismay. She cried for days, was fussy all the time, and behaved as if the worst thing in the world had ever happened to her. The sibling rivalry that ensued between June and Luke got worse as they got older, especially as he started crawling and becoming a real person.

Everything became a competition. They always fought over toys, and although they hugged and said they loved each other, Jill was deeply worried about their long-term bond. She just wanted them to grow up and be friends – maybe not best friends, but certainly close enough to rely on each other. Meanwhile, she wanted a home without the constant yelling, crying, and bickering.

Does any of this sound familiar?

OK, let’s begin by talking honestly about conflict. Sibling rivalry is all about conflict. In fact, our sibling is one of the first people we will routinely have conflict with.

The truth is, when any two or more people spend lots of time together, conflict is inevitable.

Conflict is a form of energy and life. It’s evidence that more than one thought, feeling, and approach exists. Without conflict, we would stagnate and wither.

Conflict lets us know we’re alive and that we have a point of view in the world.

Conflict, in and of itself, is not a problem.

As parents, our goal as we raise self-assured independent thinkers cannot be to avoid conflict. The goal is to work through our conflicts with our relationships and sanity intact.

Strange as it sounds, a conflict-free home is NOT a peaceful home.

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The journey of childhood is defined by the transition from a state of complete dependence to one of personal autonomy. To go from being a helpless infant to an independent adult.

To achieve healthy independence, kids need to be taught how to feel comfortable with every aspect of who they are. This is especially important for children with elevated anxiety levels. They must be provided with enough structure to make them feel secure, but not so much structure that their ability to make decisions is curtailed.

You’ve heard of helicopter parenting? How about the lawn mower parent? Both these parenting strategies come from a place of fear. Fear of failure. Fear of danger. Fear of the unknown.

And both these types of parenting, according to Julie Lythcott-Haims’s book How to Raise an Adult, prevent children from developing resourcefulness, resilience, and critical thinking skills. This overparenting cripples our children and prevents them from becoming healthy, independent adults.

Practicing Autonomy Supportive Parenting is one way to end overparenting and achieve our true parenting goals with minimal stress – to them and us.

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“Bedtime!” we trill.

Tonight, my husband and I hope that, for once, our children will say, “Okay!” and dutifully tromp up the stairs for pajamas, tooth brushing, and lights out.

Wouldn’t that be magical?

But let’s not kid ourselves, that is just not going to happen most of the time. And when they resist, and we respond with “because I said so,” or “you have to go to bed,” what we are doing is asserting our power over them. I am bigger, older, and more powerful than you so you have to do what I say. That can feel disrespectful to the child and invites resistance.

Cue: “I don’t wanna go to bed!!”

We need to look at it from their point of view. Our children have little to no control over much of their daily lives.

We wake them up for school or daycare. We tell them to get dressed and go to the bathroom. At school they are told where to be, when to be there, and what to think about. Then at home we tell them to practice an instrument or sport. And then we tell them what to eat!

Telling them when to go to bed can be the last straw. That is why most power struggles revolve around their physical self or body.

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“It’s not fair!”

All day yesterday I listened to my 9 year-old son tell me that my decision to have him stay home and not play with his friends was completely unfair.

There were too many chores that needed doing, and, besides, he’d been at school all week and had barely interacted with his little sister in days. I wanted to give my daughter the quality time with her older brother she’d been craving since Monday.

“But, it’s not fair!” he cried then. “I didn’t get to play with them all week!”

“And it’s not fair to your sister,” I explained. “She hasn’t gotten to play with you all week. She loves you and wants to spend time with you. And she wants to feel like her big brother wants to spend time with her, too. So, do that for me today and you can see your friends tomorrow.”

He sucked up his frustration – albeit with some final grumbling – and feigned having fun playing with his sister. Soon enough, he didn’t need to pretend anymore. He was legitimately having a good time.

Yet, it was inevitable that he’d remind me today of the deal we’d struck yesterday. Just as it was inevitable that the unfairness baton would be passed to my daughter, who would turn her focus inward and complain about the wrong she perceived being done to her.

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