“But Moooom! Whyyy?”

“Because, I Say So!!”

How easily those four words roll off our tongues when our children meet us with whining and repeated demands.

But is it a good idea to keep resorting to them?

I am a mom of three boys. One of their biggest questions is, “Mom, can we go to Nana’s?”

We live right across the street from her so they run back and forth constantly! They love to go see their grandmother, but I also know that they love to go have the run of her TV; they love to get out of doing their daily chores; and they love all of the sweet treats that Nana gives them every time they walk through her door.

So by the zillionth time in a day they ask me, “Mom, can we go to Nana’s?” and they have heard, “Not right now” they naturally reply with, “But, whyyyyyy?” (Drawn out with a dramatic plea.)

By now I’m at my wit’s end. And I’m quick to quip back, “Because, I Say So!”

Why is that a problem though? Why shouldn’t we just say “Because, I Say So!” and just get things done? It sure is efficient and haven’t parents used that for generations?

Research in the field of developmental psychology may have the answer. Psychologists classify parenting styles into 4 categories based on how controlling and demanding we are, and how much we focus on communication, responsiveness and nurturing.

Here is a simple picture illustrating the different parenting styles –

As positive parents, our goal is to nurture democratic families by being authoritative parents who partner with our kids to raise them to be happy, well-behaved and well-adjusted. According to researchers, while there is no universally “best” style of parenting, this style of parenting is better associated with raising competent kids who have positive behaviors and strong self-esteem.

Even when it may be uttered out of frustration or exasperation, the “Because I Say So!” response pushes us into the authoritarian parenting style – not only does this fray our relationship with our kids but could result in our kids ending up being fearful and anxious, less self-confident, and poor communicators.

So, what else can we say instead of “Because I Say So!”?

Here are a few alternate responses:

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Isn’t it amazing that “I’m Sorry” is just two simple words, yet pack such an unbelievable punch?

They have the ability to mend a hurt just by dancing across our lips in a sincere manner.

Yet, those two little words are the most difficult words for us to utter at times.

I remember as a child I was invited to my best friend’s pool party. She also invited some other friends from school. I was a few years younger than her, so I felt a little out of place.

My friend got busy with her school friends, and I felt as though she had forgotten about me. She didn’t do much to make me feel included so eventually tempers boiled. One thing led to another, and we ended up in an argument.

I remember going home in tears that day because that was the first time I had ever felt such rejection by such a close friend.

This was the first big argument between us. We had never been so mad at each other before as to stop speaking. This argument was different. We didn’t speak for days after the incident. Neither of us knew how to apologize and take that first step towards reconciliation.

Eventually, I remember her calling and apologizing for me feeling excluded. It may have been days since we talked, but those two magic words – “I’m sorry” – brought so much peace to my young heart. I quickly jumped in with my own apology for the hurtful things I had said during our argument. And just like that, the world tilted back on to its axis again.

In the years since then, I have seen many relationships – from childhood friendships all the way to marriages – being mended and torn apart. Whatever the underlying cause for conflict, in most cases, the mending usually starts with those two simple yet powerful words – “I’m sorry” – said sincerely. And in cases where things fall apart, it is often due to the lack of courage to say or mean those words.

I want for my kids to be able to use the power of these words for mending. I want them to be able to sincerely say “I’m sorry” and fix a situation when it runs away from them.

At the same time though, I don’t want to force this lesson upon them. Most of the power behind “I’m sorry” comes from the sincerity with which it is said. Sincerity is something I can demonstrate but can’t force my children to feel.

So how can I teach my kids how to apologize sincerely?

Well, here is what I have learned through my experiences so far –

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