I am the child of a violent, alcoholic father and a narcissistic mother.

At 13, I was sexually molested by a man I worked for.

By 17, I was on a fast train to an early death, barreling downhill to that place with all the fire and brimstone.

Furthermore, I was convinced I NEVER wanted children because I believed I’d be the worst possible parent. I went through years of therapy but still never trusted myself to have children.

But at age 30—well, you know what they say—things happen. I was recently divorced, pregnant, and terrified.

My plan was to put my child up for adoption for her own well-being, but when she was born, all that changed.

I made a 13th-hour decision to raise my own child. God knew what she was doing—that decision turned out to be my saving grace.

I was challenged by the idea of setting behavioral parameters for my daughter. My mother gave me a few old books on child-rearing; they had little relating to the world in the 1990s. There were no parenting classes where we lived; I was on my own. Neither of my parents was a good role model to follow. I decided to approach the issue logically.

I turned to the first book we used in therapy when I was 17, Born to Win by Muriel James, Ed.D., and Dorothy Jongeward, Ph.D. I’ve read this book at least 20 times over the years. I read it again when I brought my baby daughter home.

Born to Win is based on transactional analysis theory. The concepts are fundamental to understanding how to grow a healthy, happy child: the need for positive stroking; listening instead of lecturing; speaking from the “Adult” and understanding the “Child” (both in myself and my daughter); the effects of parenting, childhood, and child ego states; and how we become autonomous adults. Exercises show how communication patterns can influence desired outcomes.

The Chapter One epigraph contains these words by Galileo:

You cannot teach a man anything,
You can only help him discover it within himself.

These words embody what it takes to raise a child. I can lead by example, I can hope to influence choices, I can provide opportunities, but I cannot “create” a person. She will be who she will be, in spite of me.

The question I had to answer was: what part will I play, and how? The very thought process scared me, raising my fear of failure.

I needed a plan, so I set to work.

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Why does parenting have to be so complicated!?!

There are so many things to know! And not just know, but to be an expert on. During my almost 12 years of parenting, I feel like I have had to become an executive assistant, strategic planner, dietician, psychologist, nurse, and wizard. (If only that last one came with a wand!)

And I’m constantly searching the Internet for ways I can be a more effective parent. That’s why I go looking for simple and easy tools. I don’t have time for complicated and hard!

I was helping Sumitha summarize the “deep dive” talks for her FREE online Positive Parenting Conference and I found myself jotting down note after note about the simplest things I can do to help get through my most complicated parenting issues.

Like handling school stress. Just last night my oldest called me into his room at bedtime and let out all his anxiety and anger about these Basic Skills Tests that he and his class have been taking for the last 9 days. It turns out that he’s so anxious his feelings are leaking into his relationships with his friends and coming out as anger.

Because of all these amazing experts I was able listen to him and then help him to express his anxiety and reframe these tiffs and hard words with his friends into something not quite so scary. (You’ll read more about all that below!)

I’ve put together a list of these simple tools from 10 amazing experts that helped me with the parenting issues I feel most at-sea about.  I know they will help you, too!

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Here’s a parenting conundrum for you…

Sometimes you chug along… Everything flows smoothly. You are on top of your game. Every time you see your friends struggling with this particular aspect of parenting, you wonder: Why? What is the big deal?

And then there are other times when you just can’t seem to get something right. It doesn’t matter how hard you try or how many new “techniques” you test… some issues that bothered you when your kids were 3, are still issues when they are 13. And you’re just stuck and spinning your wheels.

Case in point: I have a tween. Some days we get along great. He wants to spend time with me. We have deep conversations about what is going on in his life. I’m rejoicing that we have such a close and loving relationship. And then I’m suddenly on a tilt-a-whirl! Suddenly he’s mad and shouting and then I’m shouting and then WHAM! He’s stomped up to his room and slammed the door. It doesn’t matter how many times we go through this, it’s always the same and I just can’t figure out why.

What gives? Why is it that we are so good at a few things, and we suck at others?

Turns out there is a simple explanation – perspective.

I was putting together the summaries for the talks at the FREE online Positive Parenting Conference that Sumitha was working on, and every now and then the speaker would say something that made me go “Aha!”

These are fundamental shifts that knock down some long-held belief or value. Or makes you see things in a completely different light.  It’s these that make the difference between whether we ace an aspect of parenting, or struggle with it endlessly.

I’ve put together a few of these perspective shifts for you to consider. Take a look. Who knows… maybe one of these will transform one of your “I don’t know what to do” items into a “I’ve totally got this” item!

Alright, here we go –

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