Blog - A Fine Parent

How to Deal with Unsolicited Advice (and Criticism!) from Strangers

by Ashley Young.
(This article is part of the Positive Parenting FAQ series. Get free article updates here.)

How many times has a complete stranger made a comment to you or your child?

Probably more than you can count.

I never realized how interactive strangers could be until I became a mom.

Now, stop and think. How many times has a stranger passed judgement or given unwelcome, unsolicited advice during a difficult parenting moment? Say, during a public temper tantrum?

How did you react? What was your child’s response to the interaction?

I can tell you that I have been everywhere on the spectrum from fuming with frustration to stunned into silence.

Our Family “Fun” Day

“Let’s go to a basketball game!” My husband said enthusiastically one evening. He had planned out a whole “family fun day” which included going to a local university basketball game, and out to lunch with our 18-month-old daughter.

I was cautiously optimistic.

[Read more…]

How to Accept Your Imperfect Child

by Shira Taylor Gura.
(This article is part of the Positive Parenting FAQ series. Get free article updates here.)

My 14-year-old daughter was asked to babysit a few nights ago by friends of mine.

My daughter has been babysitting now for about two years and is considered one of the most reputable babysitters in our community, as she is considered mature for her age, responsible, and dependable.

On the afternoon of the evening she was set to babysit, I headed out to take my son to his weekly wall climbing class but noticed my daughter sleeping on the couch in the family room with the lights out.

This seemed very strange to me. What teenager takes a nap at 6 PM in the evening? So, I flicked the lights back on. She reacted immediately, “Turn the lights back off! I’m resting!”

I shrugged my shoulders, turned the lights back off, and left the house. On my way to the car, I considered she was just tired and wanted to rest before needing to stay out late babysitting. I beamed with pride for her maturity and sense of responsibility.

When I returned home three hours later, I found my daughter still laying on the couch, with the lights out – a half an hour after she was supposed to leave the house to babysit! What was going on?

I was furious! How dare she break this commitment to this family who was depending on her! What kind of kid is she? Why didn’t my friends call her when she didn’t show up at the set time to babysit?

[Read more…]

Four Parenting Myths That Need To Be Busted

by Melissa Benaroya.
(This article is part of the Wisdom From the Trenches series. Get free article updates here.)

There are just too many myths about parenting that need to be dispelled. They are not helpful and only deplete parents’ confidence in how they raise their child. Once they get called out and we address them, you will feel so much more confident and lighter. So let me share with you some truths to help relieve some of your potential angst.

Good parents put their children’s needs first

The belief that children should come first is a complete fallacy. I know, you are thinking I am out of my mind. “How can I say such a thing!?” But the reality is that if you do not put your needs first you will be completely depleted and will not have the energy to be calm, thoughtful and patient when your child misbehaves and needs you the most.

TRUTH

When you understand how important it is to get your needs met and are clear on how to schedule your needs into your daily life, you will be fueled to be the best parent, partner, employee, etc.

Take a look at your calendar this week and add in one thing that is just for you. (Yes, right now please)! It can be a 10-minute walk, ordering a special coffee, working out, showering, calling a friend or even something luxurious like a night away. After scheduling that one self-care item, notice how you feel for the rest of the day and how you respond to your child. Scheduling small things often into your daily, weekly and monthly calendar WILL change the way you feel and how you respond to your child.

[Read more…]

30 Years of Parenting, and Here Are the 10 Most Important Lessons I Learnt

by Shaly Pereira.
(This article is part of the Be Positive series. Get free article updates here.)

I’m going to be a parent until I die.

I realized this not too long ago, when my continuous attempts to stop worrying about my children brought no results. It’s not like I have nothing going on in my life. I do.

But there are days or nights when I suddenly wake up, knowing instinctively I need to make that call to either one of my grown-up kids.

A sniffling voice on the other end confirms that I did the right thing by calling.

“Aw mom, how did you know I was sick today?” my adult daughter asks me in a small kiddy voice. (Yes, really, a small kiddy voice.)

My heart melting, I simply say “I’m your mom. I just knew.”

I’m rewarded with a heartfelt “Love you mom.”

Then, try as I might, I can’t resist pitching across a quick home remedy. But she brushes off my concern with “I’m ok mom. Don’t worry so much. It’s just a cold.”

This time it’s the adult voice speaking. But she has allowed me a momentary flashback into her childhood and I’m happy. For the moment.

When my daughters grew up and left the house, the city and then the country Oman (in the Middle East) where we still live as expatriates, I thought my duties as a parent had ended. How wrong I was. I now realize I could never stop being a parent even if I tried.

My children and I are now in three different continents, but no matter how far they are, there is always this deep-rooted need within me to know they are safe. Then this niggling voice in my head keeps repeating ‘let go, let go, let go’ like an old record stuck on a scratchy groove.

Over the years, I have listened to this voice and conditioned myself to let go, bit by little bit, but I just cannot let go completely.

This need to hold on to them, to worry about their safety and most importantly to always be there for them will always make me a parent – not a perfect parent (I can never be that) but a constantly learning one.

So yes, for me ‘letting go’ has never meant ‘stop caring.’ My nest may be empty, but my heart is not. [Read more…]

How to Parent Bravely in a Culture of Fear

by Mindy Carlson.
(This article is part of the Positive Parenting FAQ series. Get free article updates here.)

I long, in a romantic, nostalgic way, for the days of my childhood.

Running in open fields. Biking down the road with my friends. Building forts and dams down by the creek. Camping in the woods. With nary an adult in sight.

But that nostalgic longing isn’t about me. I am sad my kids can’t experience the wild freedom of my childhood.

And why can’t I give my kids have that same carefree childhood that I had?

Fear.

I fear for my children. For their safety. I fear that they will be kidnapped. Hit by a car. Harmed by doing something because they didn’t think through to their consequences. I fear the consequences will be more than I can bear.

Parenting isn’t for wimps. It is soul-wrenchingly awful to let your heart out of your body and go walking around where you have no control and can’t protect it.

Before I had even realized it, I had forgotten the carefree joys of my childhood. And had turned into a clichéd helicopter parent.

I would strive to shield them from all consequences. I would hold their hands tightly as we crossed any street. I would stop them just as they were about to jump off the playground equipment, a mere 2 feet in the air.

It takes a lot of guts and bravery to let our children go and live their lives. I used to think that moving across the country alone with 2 suitcases, no job, and $1000 was the bravest thing I ever did.

Nope. Now I realize that pales in comparison to parenting.

Parenting has been the scariest thing I’ve ever attempted. I think I was more terrified than my kids on their first day of pre-school. And that was only the start!

I couldn’t keep going down that path, though. Because soon I realized, as kids grow older, so do the number of things I could be scared of. Continuing down that path of fearful parenting would someday lead me to a nervous breakdown.

I chose to learn how to parent bravely. It hasn’t always been easy. And it’s a conscious effort. Here are 4 key things I learned along the way.

[Read more…]