Blog - A Fine Parent

How to Alter Your Child’s “Problem” Behaviors Like a Specialist

by Leah Porritt.
(This article is part of the Positive Parenting FAQ series. Get free article updates here.)

I walk into daycare at the end of the day.

My 2 year-old is at the table, playing with Play-Doh.

Upon seeing me, he holds his little hand out in a “stop” motion. He shakes his head and says “no no no,” while covering the Play-Doh with his other chubby fingers.

His message is clear. Mom is here, so that means it’s time to go… but I’m having fun and I want to stay.

That’s okay because I’m in no rush. I hug my daughter and listen to her chatter about her day. I gather up jackets and backpacks while talking to our daycare provider.

At some point, my son gets down from the table, grabs his teddy bear, stands in the middle of the room, opens his mouth, and lets out an eardrum-blowing scream.

The kind of scream that rises to an octave so high, I’m pretty sure all the neighborhood dogs will have gathered outside.

Unprompted. Unexpected. Happy as a clam just a second ago.

Behaviors like this, especially when they happen often (this is not the first time I’ve heard that blood curdling scream come out of my cute little blonde-headed babe), can be frustrating.

The frustration is there because these behaviors often seem uncalled for. They are unpredictable and can be time-consuming. Whether it’s your toddler testing her new found sense of freedom, or an older child who is struggling with something more specific, it can be easy to get swept up in the frustration of the situation and start thinking of them as “problem” behaviors.

We may find ourselves reacting in ways that we are hoping will just stop the behavior on the spot. We may find ourselves yelling, reprimanding, threatening or picking our kids up and physically removing them from the situation.

Worse yet, we may find ourselves so frustrated by how the behavior has affected our day, that we don’t take the time to look deeper and understand why the behavior exists.

Here’s the rub: All behavior has a reason behind it.

I am a behavior specialist in a public school system in Maryland. I have 14 years of experience working with children from 3 to 21 in both the public and nonpublic school realms. I also have an almost unhealthy obsession for keeping up with the latest studies in this field; which comes in handy when it’s time to teach behavior-based trainings.

So I understand this: [Read more…]

20 Awesome Children’s Books About Resilience (Sorted by Age)

by Jennifer Garry.
(This article is part of the Gift Guides, Positive Parenting FAQ series. Get free article updates here.)

When my daughter stepped off the bus, I could immediately tell by the pout of her lips and the little wrinkle between her eyebrows that something was wrong.

She walked to the front door looking defeated.

After a big hug and a little stroking of her hair, she was ready to launch into the epic tale of a fight with her friend. Her story was rife with drama, lies, and a heartbreak-fueled vow to never speak to the girl again.

I listened as she told her story and watched as she tried not to cry. My momma heart ached for her.

The fixer in me wanted to march right to my phone and call up the other girl’s mother to hash it all out. To explain the misunderstandings and put a Band-Aid on the emotional booboo.

But what purpose would that serve (except, of course, for making me feel better and temporarily soothing her pain)?

My daughters need to learn how to get back up when they’re knocked down—and they need to learn how to do it themselves.

As parents, we don’t want our babies to suffer heartbreak or disappointment. We just want them to be happy. But life is full of frustration and failures. That’s how we learn. And if we don’t allow our children to bounce back on their own, we’re doing them a grave disservice.

In a discussion on letting kids fail, Dr. Stephanie O’Leary, a clinical psychologist specializing in neuropsychology and the author of Parenting in the Real World, said that parents need to “Remember that one of the hardest but most important parts of parenting is to tolerate your child’s temporary discomfort knowing that it’s the only way to build the coping skills necessary to succeed in the real world where no one will be running interference for your child.”

This is not easy. In fact, it can be heartbreaking. But it’s necessary.

Marilyn Price-Mitchell, PhD, expressed a similar sentiment in an article for Psychology Today: “When we help young people cultivate an approach to life that views obstacles as a critical part of success, we help them develop resilience.”

So how do we do that? How do we, as parents, help our children develop resilience?

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Well, aside from stepping away and allowing them to bounce back from disappointment and failure on their own, we can model positive behavior. We can allow our children to get a glimpse of our own failures and struggles (to a degree) and show them an appropriate way to respond.

We can also expose them to as many stories of resilience as possible, showing them how different people respond to less than ideal circumstances and how they bounce back and ultimately triumph.

One of my favorite ways to do this is through books. I turn to books often, whether to show my daughters examples of strong female characters or to give them a few moments of escape when they seem stressed out.

I collected some of my favorite books that teach kids about resilience to share with you here. This list is by no means exhaustive, but it’s a great place to start.

[Read more…]

The ADHD Debate

by Dr. Tali Shenfield.
(This article is part of the Healthy Families series. Get free article updates here.)

The American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Medical Association, the American Psychiatric Association, the National Institute of Health, and millions of attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder sufferers all agree on one point: ADHD is a valid condition that requires timely diagnosis and treatment. The symptoms of ADHD (such as hyperactivity, attentional difficulties, and impulsivity) are, after all, fairly clear-cut. Moreover, the disorder has been shown to respond favorably to targeted therapies and medication.

For most people in the above groups, the continuing controversy surrounding ADHD is perplexing – particularly given the fact that ADHD was added to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) over thirty years ago.

At the same time, however, ADHD critics raise valid points: If ADHD is simply a natural variation endemic to human physiology, why have ADHD rates risen so dramatically in recent years? (According to the CDC, ADHD rates in the USA rose from 7.8% in 2003 to 11.0% in 2012.)

More puzzling still, what could account for the fact that people are diagnosed with ADHD in the United States far more often than in any other developed nation?

Even within the United States, there are peculiar regional variations. Available data suggests that children in North Carolina, for example, are twice as likely to get ADHD as children in California. The reasons for such differences are unclear, leading many critics to suggest that the criteria for diagnosing ADHD must be highly arbitrary.

While many critics are quick to dissect why ADHD is being diagnosed at such alarming rates, part of the problem undoubtedly lies in how ADHD is being diagnosed.

[Read more…]

How to Make Resolutions that Stick

by Mindy Carlson.
(This article is part of the Positive Parenting FAQ series. Get free article updates here.)

How did your 2017 parenting year go? Are you the same parent today as you were on January 1st of last year? Are you the parent you want to be yet?

I am certainly not the parent I was one year ago. And, yet, I am not quite the parent I want to be either.

Do I yell less? Yes, but still more than I’d like.

Do I use Active Listening all the time? Well…. I try….

Do my children know I love them? Absolutely.

(So, that’s one thing checked off the Become a Better Parent list.)

But why am I not a superstar parent yet? Why haven’t I accomplished all my parenting resolutions from last year? I started out with such energy and good intentions! What happened?

Like every single one of you out there, I mean well. I try. I do my best.

Yet I intend to do so much better.

So why do my accomplishments not keep up with my intentions? And what is it going to take for me to get there?

With one year having come to a close, and another one about to start, I think about these questions a lot.

I did good last year. But I want to do even better this year. And check a few more items off that Become a Better Parent list.

Here are a few things I have learned that we can do to give ourselves the best chance possible of keeping our parenting resolutions.

[Read more…]

What Is Hygge, and How to Make Your Holidays Super Memorable This Year

by Kara Wilson.
(This article is part of the Positive Parenting FAQ series. Get free article updates here.)

I want you to take a moment to contemplate this question.

What does ‘togetherness’ mean to you as a family?

What images first come to mind? Was it when you were all snuggled up on the sofa watching a movie on a Saturday night? Was it breastfeeding your baby in the peaceful wee hours? Was it your last holiday in the snow, building a snowman with the kids?

When was the last time you experienced this feeling of togetherness as a family, and how often do you get that associated warm, fuzzy feeling?

There’s probably a good chance that it’s not a regular occurrence. Well, family life is busy. Really busy. Sometimes we’re essentially in survival mode, and need to just get through the day.

And for those with school-aged kids, it’s easy to get caught up on the day-to-day treadmill: the school runs, making school lunches and dinners, after-school activities and homework, weekend classes and birthday parties. There never seems to be any spare time for anything else. It’s overwhelming at times, right?

Or, your situation might be similar to my own. I’m heavily pregnant, and have an active and strong-willed three year-old at home. We’re together seven days a week but I wouldn’t necessarily consider every moment a special time of ‘togetherness’. Often I just dream of ‘aloneness’. I’m sure I’m not a unique parent who longs for that, and that’s totally fine. We’re only human.

Somehow, though, in this fast-paced, overscheduled, consumerist, and digital world that we live in, we seem to have forgotten how to just slow down, relax, and enjoy one another without external distractions. It’s time to be intentional about reversing that.

In this article, we’re going to explore the Danish philosophy called ‘Hygge’ (pronounced ‘hoo-gah’). Although not new in Denmark, it’s the latest wellness trend sweeping the rest of the world, and literally means ‘to cozy around together’.

Doesn’t that sound like a charming notion that we could all get a little more of? It doesn’t sound too hard. The idea focuses on creating a cozy atmosphere at home, such as lighting candles, and doing things together like playing games, having cake and tea, and doing crafts.

And the holiday season is the perfect time of year to Hygge since it’s generally a time celebrated with family and friends. The ultimate aim is to spend time together, leaving problems, technology, and negativity behind and simply having fun as a family.

So, how do we start getting a little Hygge into our lives this holiday season?

Here are some ideas to get started, and to slowly start implementing a little togetherness into your holidays.

[Read more…]