Do you ever feel that you made the wrong decision as a parent?

Maybe your decision had unintended consequences. Maybe you made a decision based on the best information that you had available, but it just didn’t work out like you planned.

My wife and I experienced one of these situations last year, when we gave our daughter, Sarah, an iPhone for her 13th birthday.

We thought that it was the perfect gift. She’d been wanting one for a while and it would allow us to keep in touch with her by phone and text, and even keep track of her whereabouts.

We soon found out that children and technology don’t always mix quite the way we anticipate. You know where this is going…

The Shocking Unintended Consequences

Almost immediately her grades dropped from A’s and B’s to C’s, D’s, and F’s.

A little research into our Verizon account showed that she had sent and received over 4000 text messages in less than a month!

My jaw hit the floor when I first saw the sheer number of text messages, but soon learned that this wasn’t as ludicrous as it first seemed to me. A Pew Internet Survey indicates that 1 in 3 teens sends more than 100 text messages a day, or 3000 texts a month.

My daughter had also used about 3 GB of data, (75%) of our total data plan, in less than a month. Again, this is apparently not very surprising since the same survey indicates that 1 in 4 teens go online with cell phones.

How Could This Have Happened?

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Think of one of those crappy days you sometimes have – one of those days where nothing goes right – your to-do list keeps getting longer instead of shorter, deadlines get pushed in instead of out, everybody you meet seems set on driving you nuts… the works.

The only thing that keeps you from flipping the moron who cut you off in the crawling traffic on the way home, is the thought of your favorite ice cream waiting for you in your freezer.

Ah, the cool, creamy, deliciousness!

When you get home, you head straight for the freezer. As you are about to get that long awaited spoon of solution-to-everything-goodness into your mouth, your spouse walks in and shouts “No! What do you think you are doing? You can’t have ice cream now — it’s almost time for dinner! Put that right back!”

Your reaction would be to –

a) Show eternal gratitude towards your spouse for caring so much about you
b) Pick up the biggest darned fight that would make Attila the Hun proud.

You know where I am going with this.

As parents we get so wrapped up in raising our kids right, that we forget to treat our kids right.

We forget that they are little people who go through ups and downs in their day, who have feelings and get frustrated and exasperated just like we do. And we talk to them in a way that would never be acceptable for a spouse/boss/friend to talk to us.

As fine parents in the making, shouldn’t we be looking for nicer ways to say “no”?

Well, here are 20 different ways to say “no” so they don’t even realize you’re saying a no.

I will use the simple scenario that it’s almost supper time, and my daughter wants M&Ms and I need to say “no”. Keep in mind, that this is just an example scenario and these tactics should work equally well for other circumstances too.

And last but not the least, lest you think I am the superwoman of patient communication…. I did not come up with any of these… I just put them together into a list 🙂

OK, here we go.
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Let’s play a quick word association game.

I will say one word, and you will say the first thing that comes to your mind when you read that word. Don’t think for long. Just say the first word that occurs to you. OK, here we go.

Sky.

Night.

Discipline.

Chances are, when you read “sky” the first word that came to your mind was “blue” or “high”.

When you read “night” you might think of the words “dark” or “day”.

What about “discipline”? What did you think of when you read that? In my case, I would probably have gone with “punishment” or “set right”.

The idea of discipline being synonymous with punishment is ingrained in our psyche. The first thing we think of when we hear the word “discipline” is usually something negative.

However, did you know that the word discipline originates from the Latin word ‘disciplina’ which means teaching, which in turn comes from ‘discipulus’ which literally translates to pupil?

Yet, I can bet that very few who tried the little exercise above would have thought “teach” when they first read the word “discipline”.

For whatever reason, over the years, discipline has gone from meaning “to teach” to “to punish”!

Today we explore “positive discipline” an idea that focuses on reverting things back to the roots – when children do something wrong, instead of punishing them, parents teach and guide them to set the behavior right.

So, how do we go back from “to punish” to “to teach”? In small baby steps, of course!

Here are a few tips to get started, and by following some of these (pick a subset of the ones that work for you), slowly we can change our perspective about “discipline”. [Read more…]

Let’s try something quick…

Let’s say you are responsible for putting together an event – a dinner party, a family gathering, a church fundraiser, a client meeting, a mini-conference… go ahead, pick something that works for you.

You are pretty pumped up about being responsible for the task. You are also a little nervous about how it will all turn out.

One day, while you are slogging your butt off and figuring out the nitty-gritty details, you walk into your co-event-planners and overhear them muttering – “She’s so bossy” (or “He’s such a dictator”) before they suddenly realize you’re in the room and change the topic.

You are pretty sure they were talking about you.

What would your attitude be going forward? Would you be as pumped up about it as before? Would you have second thoughts about the way you are going about handling the responsibility? Maybe scale down some of your grand plans a little?

Or maybe you would drive people a little harder just to prove a point?

Now let’s flip that situation a bit… what if you had overheard — “She (or He) is so cool and really knows how to get things done”.

What would your attitude be now as you move ahead with the project?

Essentially “Bossy” and “Dictator” mean the same thing — someone who is trying to get things done. Yet, because of the negative connotation these labels have, they leave a sour taste in your mouth, and undermine your ability to stay enthusiastic about the project anymore.

Now let’s step out of this hypothetical scenario and look into our homes.

How many times in a day do we label our kids in not so flattering ways?

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I bet you’ve come across the term “positive reinforcement” before – but honestly, do you know what it really means? Better still, do you know how to apply it to go from the (*yawn*) nagging parent to a master motivator?

Some time back, I decided to jump onto the “positive reinforcement” bandwagon.

Except, it wasn’t really clear to me what exactly it is that I should be doing.

The worst part? The more I read about it, the more confused I got.

This article is the result of trying to sort through some of the confusion and figuring out how we can be masters of applying “positive reinforcement” to raise terrific, internally motivated kids.

(Note: If long, detailed articles aren’t your cup of tea just scroll down to the bottom of the article for a handy-dandy illustration that captures the gist of the article!)

Ok, let’s dive right in.

Use Praise/Reward Instead of Criticism/Punishment. Duh!

So, the first thing I understood is that I should use praise/reward instead of criticism/punishment. The argument is that criticizing or punishing often kills a child’s spirit and self esteem. If you focus instead on praise/reward you reinforce the child’s self worth and since children inherently want to please their parents, this will make them want to behave instead of misbehave.

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