Here’s a question for you.

When you think of the character traits you want your child to have when they grow up, what are they?

Everyone is a little different, but most people want their children to be resilient, independent, and self-assured. We also want them to be compassionate, kind and caring, and a range of other things too.

But the important thing is that we want our children to grow up to be able to stand on their own two feet. To be able to bounce back after life throws them a curve ball, and to be confident in their own beliefs.

No one ever wants their kids to grow into compliant, obedient or submissive adults. Why would we?

And yet, we wish they’d be more compliant – and less defiant – when they’re young.

We want them to be obedient.

We want them to do as we ask and listen when we speak.

We don’t want them to fight back.

Ironic, isn’t it?

Here’s the thing though… I get it!

I am a mom, too. At the end of a busy day, when I am weary to my bones, all I want is a little cooperation from my kids. On those days, nothing sets me off quite like defiance. I want to either tame it down and gain back control or hide in a quiet corner and silently weep.

Is there a better option though?

Is there some way for me to deal with a defiant child without trying to break her spirit, or letting it grate on my nerves?

Here’s what I’ve found.

[Read more…]

Does being playful and silly come naturally to you?

It didn’t to me. Not at first. I’m getting better at it now though.

My children are all very active and full of energy. Their extreme enthusiasm made me more serious, as I felt the need to maintain balance in the family to prevent things from descending into chaos.

But a while ago, we suffered a loss in our family, and it truly reminded me how short life is. And the way “normal” life got turned upside down by the COVID-19 situation further drove this home.

I have made it my personal goal to enjoy life as much as possible and to cut loose with my kids as best as I can.

We do have an important job in shaping our children, but I want to have fun while doing it.

I made a list to help me transition from that serious mama to a more silly, playful mama. And over time, I kept adding to that list. Today, I added a few last ones to round it up to the nice “100” number and I’m sharing it with you.

I hope it helps you as much as it has helped me!

No Matter What Age Your Kids Are…

This first section of ideas should work no matter what age your kids are –

1. Have water fights. You can do this in the bathroom during your daily routine or go all out with water guns and drench each other on the front lawn.
2. Let your child give you a makeover. They can do your hair, make up, and even paint your nails.
3. Jump in leaves together.
4. Have a dance off between you and your children – no special occasion necessary.
5. Alternately, dance your difficult emotions away. Whenever you or your child is angry or upset, grab them and start dancing.
6. See who can make the loudest noises with their armpits. Or fake farts. Or burps. A little gross, but believe me, almost every child loves this!
7. Jump on the trampoline together.
8. Cook/bake together and don’t worry about the mess. That’s half the fun!
9. When done, sing the cleanup song in a whacky tone (if you have little ones) or pop in a favorite CD (with bigger kids) and have fun cleaning up the mess together.
10. Play in the rain together. [Read more…]

What do you do when your child wants to quit?

Imagine that your 9-year-old daughter greets you with a look of dread when you pick her up from swim practice. Her coach wants her to swim the 100-meter breaststroke in the upcoming meet.

In tears, she says, “Please, Mom. Please help me. I’m still going to be swimming when the other girls are getting out of the pool and the next heat is getting on the blocks. I’m really that slow.”

How can you provide emotional support while still encouraging her to not give up too easily? How do you even know whether she’s up for such a challenge?

Can you let go of control and trust her to make a good decision?

This is the real-life dilemma Brené Brown faced in her book Daring Greatly.

Her heart ached for her daughter. She desperately wanted to spare her the possible humiliation. She also wanted her daughter to learn that her worthiness does not depend on winning or losing, and that both her parents would stand by her, no matter what. She came up with one of the most compassionate, courageous solutions I could have imagined.

[Read more…]

I hate shopping with my children.

There. I said it. And I’ll say it again.

I hate shopping with my children.

There is nothing I dread more than taking my kids into a store. Any store. Grocery. Clothing. Toys. Especially toys.

It’s not that they are bad children. They are well-behaved for the most part. But at some point, as we are wandering around the store, the “I WANT” Monster appears.

The “I WANT” Monster is a wild little Tasmanian devil.  He comes whirling and spinning out of his cave at the first scent of anything bright and shiny and new.

“I want this.”

“Can I have that?”

“I need these.”

“Please, please buy me those.”

Everything around them is a candy-colored rainbow.  It’s sooooo tempting.

“I just can’t stand it!” panted my 7-year-old son, standing in the Star Wars aisle of Target, tortured by the clones and Jedi surrounding him.

Me either, son.

What’s with all this greed? Where does the “I WANT” Monster come from anyway?

Every child wants things. Heck, we all want things. Just today I was tempted by a really pretty China bowl with metal hummingbird on the rim and a hot pair of heels that would look perfect with a dress I have.

In a world of television and social media overload, our society has pushed “keeping up with the Jones’s” to a whole new level. It’s hard to curb materialistic desires, but here are 5 techniques that can help.

[Read more…]

“Okay, Buddy, it’s time to put your shoes on. We have to go.”

“I don’t want to.”

“You have to wear shoes… so what are we going to do?”

“But Mom, those shoes need socks. I don’t want to put socks on. I hate socks.”

“Well, okay, what shoes would you like to wear that don’t require socks?”

Our youngest happily trots off to find other shoes that will work for the day.

Yes, this is my life now. It seems surreal to be honest. It wasn’t always like this.

As a parent you know every kid has their own little bunch of quirks. I am a mom of a child that hates to wear socks. Sumitha has bemoaned her child’s refusal to wear jackets, coats or leggings. Lisa has spoken of her daughter’s irrational fear of water. Spend a few minutes looking through the comments on this site (or any parenting site), and you’ll come away with tons of stories about kids refusing to eat, sleep, brush their hair or any number of things that drive us parents insane.

2 years back I used to trip up big time with my son’s Socks Issues. I have 3 sons. Getting them out the door on any given day is like herding cats. Who has the time to deal with the irrational whining about socks, right?

Tears, orders, screaming, threats… we’ve been through it all.

And yet, these days, most of the time instead of power struggles we have peaceful discussions.

Do you want to know what made the difference? A decision to be a positive gentle parent.

I’m going to shoot straight with you. I once was a really negative parent. In fact, I was a bit of a negative person all the way around. It is going to show through what you are about to read.

I still struggle not to judge myself for how harshly I once judged something I knew nothing about.

And the switch to positive parenting has neither been easy nor without epic fails.

But I can say one thing unequivocally — this choice has turned my home from a constant battlefield to a place of calm, open communication.

I hope something here will resonate with you if you are struggling with parenting. According to a study conducted by Oregon State University, “Children who experienced high levels of negative parenting were more likely to be antisocial and delinquent as adolescents.” I know no parent wants these results for their children, but the change begins with us.

So, I am going to be candid. I’m going to share with you the good, the bad and the ugly of [Read more…]