“Mommy, is she going to be better at everything than me?”

I hugged my dripping wet tiny seven-year-old. At the end of our girls’ first swimming lessons, what I had dreaded the whole six week session happened.

The younger got promoted to the next level and her big sister didn’t.

Bigger and more athletic than her older sister, she simply had better motor skills, a higher attention span, and more courage at that young age. Big Sister struggled with a mix of hurt and jealousy.

“Am I always going to be not as good?”

I struggled, too.

I mean, given their genetics, none of our children were ever going to be athletically coordinated, let alone gifted. As the larger and stronger child, though, her little sister did have an edge. What to say to this little wet waif, certain that she would always be at the end of every performance test?

I wish I had known the question she was really asking:  “Do I have value no matter how well I can swim? Am I still precious to you when I fail? Will you love me the same even if I’m always “not as good” as someone else?

Jealousy and insecurity are as old as Cain and Abel, whether it be between siblings, friends, or total strangers whom kids hear their parents praising. It seems a logical leap for a child to think, “Mom likes her better than me,” when she hears her parent talking about the good points of another child.

Most of us have lived with the fear that we won’t be liked, or liked as well, if we don’t perform to a certain level. Healthy adults learn to separate their identity from other peoples’ judgments. Children, though, are still forming their identity and feelings of jealousy and insecurity are normal as they struggle to figure out their place.

So should I lie about my younger child’s prowess to appease the older? Do we never praise another child?

I doubt that’s the best approach, though. Encouragement is in short enough supply for most of us, so I’d vouch for forging full speed ahead on encouraging any child who needs or deserves it. Our children need a healthy balance of security and humility so that they know they are well loved but that they are not the only praiseworthy kid on the block.

How then do we foster security but not allow jealousy to take root?

[Read more…]

I am the child of a violent, alcoholic father and a narcissistic mother.

At 13, I was sexually molested by a man I worked for.

By 17 I was on a fast train to an early death, barreling downhill to that place with all the fire and brimstone.

Further, I was convinced I NEVER wanted children because I’d be the worst possible parent. I went through years of therapy, but still never trusted myself to have children.

But at age 30, well, you know what they say – things happen. I was recently divorced, pregnant, and terrified.

My plan was to put my child up for adoption for her own well-being, but when she was born all that changed.

I made a 13th-hour decision to raise my own child. God knew what she was doing – that decision turned out to be my saving grace.

I was challenged by the idea of setting behavioral parameters for my daughter. My mother gave me a few old books on child rearing; they had little relating to the world in the 1990s. There were no parenting classes where we lived; I was on my own. Neither of my parents were a good role model to follow. I decided to approach the issue logically.

I turned to the first book we used in therapy when I was 17, Born to Win by Muriel James, Ed.D., and Dorothy Jongeward, Ph.D. I’ve read this book at least 20 times over the years. I read it again when I brought my baby daughter home.

Born to Win is based in transactional analysis theory. The concepts are fundamental to understanding how to grow a healthy, happy child: the need for positive stroking; listening instead of lecturing; speaking from the “Adult” and understanding the “Child” (both in myself and my daughter); the effects of parenting; childhood and child ego states; and how we become autonomous adults. Exercises show how communication patterns can influence desired outcomes.

The Chapter One epigraph contains these words by Galileo:

You cannot teach a man anything,
You can only help him discover it within himself.

These words embody what it takes to raise a child. I can lead by example, I can hope to influence choices, I can provide opportunities, but I cannot “create” a person. She will be who she will be in spite of me.

The question I had to answer is what part will I play, and how? The very thought process scared me, raising my fear of failure.

I needed a plan, so I set to work.

[Read more…]

It is hard to keep your confidence and self-esteem intact after suffering a major setback yourself.

But there is something harder – watching your child go through those soul-shattering feelings and feeling your own heart crumble to bits within your body.

We have all likely seen these things happen.

Seen our child locked up in a room because, “everyone hates her!”

Or, caught our child saying, “I so suck at this, what’s the point of even trying?”

Or, seen them being insulted for just being themselves and watch them go through stages of grief – confusion, denial, anger and then the thing that no parent will want to see – acceptance.

Our older daughter had always had skin flare-ups due to eczema, mildly as a baby and more strongly as a toddler. However, at the age of seven, she suffered a sudden and extreme flare-up.  Her skin became so flaky and patchy; it began to peel off in places.

We hopped from doctor to doctor hoping for a remedy, but this time it had come back with a vengeance. The restrictions on her diet kept piling up, her medicine dosage kept increasing – only to see her weakening. The eczema stayed strong.

Her sleep was fitful, her diet scattered. Her activity had already become restricted because of photo-sensitivity. She had to wear clothes that covered her rashes from exposure to the dust and sun. She had to be always slathered in layers and layers of creams and oils to soothe her skin, even if they could soothe her only a little.

Obviously, she went through tremendous physical distress. Yet, I was scared of something even more monstrous than this physical manifestation. I was terrified of her letting it become her identity, of letting it break her confidence, of letting it limit her mentally.

And then, one evening – my fear came true.

India still allows children to go out of their homes and play by themselves. One evening, she came home and said quietly, “N’s mother has forbade her from playing with me, because I have rashes.”

I waited in silence. I didn’t comfort her immediately, too scared that she might sense that I already expected it because it came too soon. She sat down leaning against the wall, arms crossed and chest heaving in anger.

And then, she bawled. Amidst the torrent of tears and snot, I heard what I feared the most, “Why me?”

Perhaps, that was the moment that she had begun to deeply identify with her setback.

Gradually, I noticed that she was reluctant to meet people. I would find her instinctively covering the back of her palms, if someone even seemed to be coming closer.  She would attempt to hide behind me at the supermarket.

She would examine herself in front of the mirror for long periods of time. She would kiss me repeatedly and ask to be kissed back. She refused to even see doctors.

My husband and I were already stressed with taking care of the physical hardship she was going through.  We took turns at night to watch her else she would scratch herself bloody within seconds.

Yet, we knew that it was absolutely crucial to smooth out those psychological knots that were forming in her. We decided to work on them, very intentionally – one step at a time.

[Read more…]

Gathered around a fire, a mother and child talk in quiet voices.

The flames leap as the mother tells the child stories of ancestors, far-away lands, and fantastic situations. Drowsy, the child falls asleep, her head on her mother’s lap.

This could be a scene from 10,000 years ago or 10 days ago.

Storytelling is a core part of what makes us human.

And yet, it’s not a tool parents use often – or are taught how to use – when talking to our kids.

Which is unfortunate, because storytelling is a powerful way we can communicate values, empathize with our children, show our support for them, and have fun.

Storytelling works whether your child is a tiny infant just learning to recognize the sound of your voice, or a hardened teenager who spends much of their time trying to block you out.

The Benefits of Storytelling

Storytelling is an essential part of our fabric and offers a whole range of benefits that other forms of communication lack.

Teach Values

As any parent who has tried lecturing knows, children often ignore the message. Stories are an amazing way to pass on values without hitting kids over the head with them.

[Read more…]

We’ve all had it said to us.

You’re boss has said it.

“You did really awesome on the project, but your teamwork could use some improvement.”

Your mom has said it.

“I am proud at how successful you are, but when are you getting married?”

Your best friend has said it.

“You look really pretty in that dress, but you would look so good with your hair down!”

Do you even remember the first part of that sentence?  The part that came before the ‘but’?  You know, the compliment?

It turns out no one does. Especially not our kids.

But we’re supposed to give feedback, right? Isn’t that how we help our kids develop grit and resilience?  Isn’t this how we help them build up and develop their talents?

How can we help them grow and achieve wonderful things if they think we don’t value them? If they believe they’ll never be good enough?

Don’t worry. There IS a way.

We’ll get back to it in a second. First though lets explore…

[Read more…]