What do you do when your child wants to quit?

Imagine that your 9-year-old daughter greets you with a look of dread when you pick her up from swim practice. Her coach wants her to swim the 100-meter breaststroke in the upcoming meet.

In tears, she says, “Please, Mom. Please help me. I’m still going to be swimming when the other girls are getting out of the pool and the next heat is getting on the blocks. I’m really that slow.”

How can you provide emotional support while still encouraging her to not give up too easily? How do you even know whether she’s up for such a challenge?

Can you let go of control and trust her to make a good decision?

This is the real-life dilemma Brené Brown faced in her book Daring Greatly.

Her heart ached for her daughter. She desperately wanted to spare her the possible humiliation. She also wanted her daughter to learn that her worthiness does not depend on winning or losing, and that both her parents would stand by her, no matter what. She came up with one of the most compassionate, courageous solutions I could have imagined.

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I hate shopping with my children.

There. I said it. And I’ll say it again.

I hate shopping with my children.

There is nothing I dread more than taking my kids into a store. Any store. Grocery. Clothing. Toys. Especially toys.

It’s not that they are bad children. They are well-behaved for the most part. But at some point, as we are wandering around the store, the “I WANT” Monster appears.

The “I WANT” Monster is a wild little Tasmanian devil.  He comes whirling and spinning out of his cave at the first scent of anything bright and shiny and new.

“I want this.”

“Can I have that?”

“I need these.”

“Please, please buy me those.”

Everything around them is a candy-colored rainbow.  It’s sooooo tempting.

“I just can’t stand it!” panted my 7-year-old son, standing in the Star Wars aisle of Target, tortured by the clones and Jedi surrounding him.

Me either, son.

What’s with all this greed? Where does the “I WANT” Monster come from anyway?

Every child wants things. Heck, we all want things. Just today I was tempted by a really pretty China bowl with metal hummingbird on the rim and a hot pair of heels that would look perfect with a dress I have.

In a world of television and social media overload, our society has pushed “keeping up with the Jones’s” to a whole new level. It’s hard to curb materialistic desires, but here are 5 techniques that can help.

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“Okay, Buddy, it’s time to put your shoes on. We have to go.”

“I don’t want to.”

“You have to wear shoes… so what are we going to do?”

“But Mom, those shoes need socks. I don’t want to put socks on. I hate socks.”

“Well, okay, what shoes would you like to wear that don’t require socks?”

Our youngest happily trots off to find other shoes that will work for the day.

Yes, this is my life now. It seems surreal to be honest. It wasn’t always like this.

As a parent you know every kid has their own little bunch of quirks. I am a mom of a child that hates to wear socks. Sumitha has bemoaned her child’s refusal to wear jackets, coats or leggings. Lisa has spoken of her daughter’s irrational fear of water. Spend a few minutes looking through the comments on this site (or any parenting site), and you’ll come away with tons of stories about kids refusing to eat, sleep, brush their hair or any number of things that drive us parents insane.

2 years back I used to trip up big time with my son’s Socks Issues. I have 3 sons. Getting them out the door on any given day is like herding cats. Who has the time to deal with the irrational whining about socks, right?

Tears, orders, screaming, threats… we’ve been through it all.

And yet, these days, most of the time instead of power struggles we have peaceful discussions.

Do you want to know what made the difference? A decision to be a positive gentle parent.

I’m going to shoot straight with you. I once was a really negative parent. In fact, I was a bit of a negative person all the way around. It is going to show through what you are about to read.

I still struggle not to judge myself for how harshly I once judged something I knew nothing about.

And the switch to positive parenting has neither been easy nor without epic fails.

But I can say one thing unequivocally — this choice has turned my home from a constant battlefield to a place of calm, open communication.

I hope something here will resonate with you if you are struggling with parenting. According to a study conducted by Oregon State University, “Children who experienced high levels of negative parenting were more likely to be antisocial and delinquent as adolescents.” I know no parent wants these results for their children, but the change begins with us.

So, I am going to be candid. I’m going to share with you the good, the bad and the ugly of [Read more…]

“Mom, do I really have to invite him to my party? I don’t like him!”

Have you ever had these awkward conversations with your child?

Yes, I’ve been there too!

Here’s the thing — not everyone we come across in our lifetime will be a peach. We won’t get along with all of them nor really enjoy being around all of them.

That however does not give us the license to be mean or rude.

Being able to deal with those who we don’t see eye-to-eye with in a healthy, respectful manner is essential to being a decent human being. And that is what I want to raise my kids to be.

Besides, research shows that good social skills – the ability to interact with all kinds of people, including those whom we may not like – is key to career success… from being able to ace an interview to securing funding for entrepreneurial ventures.

So, it is in our best interest to teach our kids how to deal with other kids they don’t like.

After some digging around, here’s what I’ve found to be a good approach –

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It was the Monday after a weekend of having guests in the house and the messy aftermath was demanding my attention…as was my 3-year-old daughter. She wanted me to watch her dance, draw with her, play blocks; it seemed to be even more urgent now that there was a load of laundry to hang out and vacuuming to be done. 

As she continued to ask for my time and as I continued to attempt to finish chores, I realized that neither one of us were getting what we wanted and the mood was becoming quite tense. I was at my breaking point when, suddenly, I had an ‘aha’ moment. 

Why can’t we just make it work for both of us? 

It seemed so simple. “Oh dear,” I said. “You want to be with me and I have chores to do! You know, I could use some help. Could you help me please?” 

Her eyes lit up. “Of course!” It seemed that what she really wanted was to connect with me and to be included in my day.

Together we got through a few chores before she felt connected to me again and wandered off to play independently.  [Read more…]