“Six kids? You guys probably don’t get out much.” We hear that all the time.

Truthfully, no matter how many children are involved, parental self-care and relationship maintenance often fall by the wayside when seemingly “more urgent” life concerns intrude.

In our house, these concerns include the many responsibilities involved in raising half a dozen children, four of whom have significant emotional, behavioral, and developmental challenges due to a very unstable childhood characterized by neglect, homelessness, multiple caregivers, and a final traumatic entry into formal foster care when the oldest was nine and the youngest was two.

However, we brought these children into our home to give them a chance for stability and healing, and we want to provide that first of all with stable caregiving and healthy relationship modeling—showing adult connections that are loving, supportive, forgiving, and nurturing.

Staying with them, and staying together. Refusing to be divided. Refusing to give up on our love for each other. Refusing to put anything—or anyone, no matter how small, cute, angry, and needy—ahead of family well-being.

In her parenting guide Raising Adopted Children, Lois Ruskai Melina says it this way—“[If] the marital relationship is neglected, it will eventually need critical attention, leaving [parents] with little energy with which to nurture their child.”

Conversely, when parents care for themselves, everybody wins.

With that in mind—we do get out. Much.

Our family’s special needs require advance planning, tight routine, and intentionality with the budget, but my husband and I have made weekly date nights a non-negotiable priority from the moment our children moved in and initiated takeover proceedings.

There has been a learning curve, but by following these steps, our family has reached a point where our babysitters rarely encounter behavioral problems, making our date nights mostly stress-free.

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We’ve all had it said to us.

Your boss has said it:

“You did really awesome on the project, but your teamwork could use some improvement.”

Your mom has said it:

“I am proud of how successful you are, but when are you getting married?”

Your best friend has said it.

“You look really pretty in that dress, but you would look so good with your hair down!”

Do you even remember the first part of that sentence?  The part that came before the ‘but’?  You know, the compliment?

It turns out no one does. Especially not our kids.

But we’re supposed to give feedback, right? Isn’t that how we help our kids develop grit and resilience?  Isn’t this how we help them build up and develop their talents?

How can we help them grow and achieve wonderful things if they think we don’t value them? If they believe they’ll never be good enough?

Don’t worry. There is a way.

We’ll get back to it in a second. First, though, let’s explore…

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Diapers, no sleep, carpool, calls from the school nurse, sports, cooking, yelling, begging, pleading, dating, still no sleep, prom, work, college…

And then, all of a sudden—the nest is empty. The world around you is strangely quiet.

Where did all the time go? Where did my babies go? Will they ever come back to me?

While I know that in life there are no guarantees, I also believe we can raise our kids in a way that, when they get older, there is a good chance they will still love to hang out with us.

My husband and I may have gotten a few things wrong while raising our kids, but we also did a lot right during this time. One of the most important things has been establishing a rock-solid foundation for our relationship with all four of them.

Today, I want to share nine things that I truly believe helped us connect with our kids when they were little—that have helped us stay close even now when they are grown.

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Do you feel your kids need a break from their iPads and other devices that seem to buzz and click all the time?

Do you think their attention span could be better?

British neuroscientist Susan Greenfield is one of the many researchers who’ve unveiled some frightening and disturbing findings about devices and children’s attention spans. As part of the study, UK teachers were surveyed, and 91% of teachers believe that children’s attention spans are getting shorter as most children choose to spend time on their devices rather than reading.

As a busy mom (as we all are), I often don’t prioritize reading time with my kids. As a speech pathologist, I know better and am frequently asking myself to prioritize that special time with my children.

As I was going holiday shopping last year, I saw something absolutely astonishing at the department store. There, sitting on the ground among the heaps of clothing, shoes, and angst-ridden, busy shoppers, was a little boy quietly reading! I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was so focused and engrossed in his book, he didn’t even look up to notice my gawkish stares. I quickly pulled my sister over to see, and she was also stunned. I felt like I was watching some extraordinary and rare behavior on the Discovery Channel. [Read more…]

Have your kids ever screamed at you in total, uncontrolled anger?

Pretty much every mom I know has had this experience – some more than others – and still, every time we experience it, it still feels as raw as the first time it happened.

I recently had a mother pose the situation of her eight-year-old son who was having difficulty with anger. This had motivated her to ask for ways to help him. It usually happened when he didn’t get his way. This would cause him to lose control and was even affecting his ability to make friends.

Reflecting on her question took me back to when my kids were young, remembering how easy it was to respond to such outbursts with my own anger, especially when the outbursts continued.

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