Here you are again, right in the middle of a public place, judgmental eyes glaring at you as you (not so) patiently wait to see if your strong-willed child follows your simple request.
As is pretty typical for the way your life seems to be going today (or this week, or this year!) your simple request is ignored—yet again—even though you put a significant amount of time and energy into trying to prevent this from happening in the first place.
You’re exhausted.
You’re frustrated.
You can’t believe that you have to put this much effort into a simple request like asking your kid to stay near you at the store!
What makes matters worse is the not-so-subtle glares of judgment and criticism by the people around you who magically seem to know how to raise your kid, even though they don’t know you or your kid at all.
You can just guess what they’re thinking about you…
Doesn’t she have any control over her kid?
I can’t believe she lets her kid act like that. My kids will never act like that!
Isn’t she going to do something to let her kid know who’s the boss?!
And even though you’ve vowed a million times that you don’t care what they think, that you will parent positively—the way you want to—you find yourself questioning whether you’re a good mom.
The Pressure of Public Judgement Overwhelms and Guides Your Parenting Decisions
The pressure of this public place—especially those judgmental stares—overwhelms you and makes you question if you’re doing the right thing.
You don’t want to yell, bribe or threaten.
Yet here you are, in the middle of this public place with a misbehaving kid, debating whether to yell, bribe or threaten so that you look like a parent who “has control” over her kids.
Yet at the same time, you’re questioning if doing these things that will make you look “good” in the public eye will ultimately screw your kids up for life.
And that, my friends, is what I like to call Monday. Tomorrow, you’ll wake up and combat this internal mom battle. All. Over. Again!
Who Knew this Mom Thing Was Going to Be So Stressful?
Back before you had kids, you thought it was going to be so easy. Back then, good parenting meant telling kids what to do, and making sure that they actually did it.
But back then, you had no idea how much guilt you’d feel. And never would you have expected to feel so terrified that every little decision you made might screw your child up for life.
And to add to all that massive mom guilt and fear that you’re royally screwing up your kids, you were blessed with a kid who seems bent on being the poster-child for “stubborn,” “strong-willed” or even “disobedient” behavior.
Nowadays, you realize that parenting is harder than you ever thought it could be and that parenting a stubborn child is about 1,000 times harder!
Hopefully, by now you’ve been told that having this type of child is a blessing to your child’s future.
Their strong-willed nature can lead to a list of positive experiences in life, including strong leadership skills, an entrepreneurial spirit and the potential to earn more in a career than the average “rule-following” adult.
You can rest easy knowing that your child may stand up for what they think is right in life, instead of blindly doing what is expected of him. (This may come in handy during those restless teenage years when you’re up late worrying about social influence and peer pressure on their choices.)
But what good does all this future talk do when you feel like you’ll never manage to get there?
How do you survive the now, when every direction turns into a power struggle and you’re spending more time arguing with your kid than enjoying the already limited time you have with him?
You wonder what is says about you as a mother that, no matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to get your kid to listen.
Guiding the Behavior of a Strong-Willed Child is Challenging…For Everyone!
In my work as a counselor, I’ve met hundreds of moms who feel like failures as they share their stories of misbehavior and arguing in various public (and non-public) situations.
I’ve heard about their fear of taking their child out into public, dreading an argument or disobedient scene that makes her look like a terrible mother. They question their capacities as a mom and wonder what it would be like to be one of those moms who always seems to have it together.
As an Early Childhood Mental Health Consultant, I can see the look of apprehension on the faces of every preschool teacher I work with. They fear I’m going to judge them and blame them for the child’s misbehavior in the classroom, despite their honest best efforts to try to resolve the problem.
And I don’t blame them for feeling this way.
Instead of feeling supported, the rampant social posts that share #momfail and #parentingfail make you feel paranoid, fearing mom shaming everywhere you look. When you’re out and about and being challenged, instead of a You’ve Got This! look, you feel like everyone looking at you is thinking “I know how to raise your kid better than you do!”
As a counselor who runs group counseling in the school system, even I feel the pressure. That’s right, even a professional who works with “strong-willed” children every day can feel the pressure or feel like a failure sometimes (or frequently).
Like you, I spend every day with these kids. This means that I feel the need to always be “on” or at the top of my game.
I can feel the anxiety rising whenever I walk through the halls with the kids, hoping that they remember to use their walking feet and inside voices (expectations that I jammed down their throats before leaving the classroom, unfortunately more so for the benefit of my reputation and expectations of the school staff than for the kids’ well-being).
Do you ever find yourself allowing your emotions get the best of you? You aren’t alone! We partnered with Casey O’Roarty, Positive Discipline Trainer and Parent Coach, in the Managing Our Emotions Masterclass, to better understand what happens when we make parenting choices with overrun emotions and how to get off of the “Emotional Freight Train.”
This packed masterclass is one of the 70+ masterclasses you get when you join the AFineParent Academy today. Click here to learn more.
And despite my efforts to remind them repeatedly before we leave, some of my kids simply cannot use their walking feet and their inside voices at the same time. And when they struggle, I blame myself (and I feel that onlookers blame me too!).
I used to feel like a failure—a fraud—but over time, by talking (and empathizing) with other people in a similar situation, I learned that everyone who comes face-to-face with a “strong-willed child” feels the pressure.
Moms.
Child care professionals.
Teachers.
Principals.
Even professionals like me who do this for a living!
It was scary to admit it, but I soon learned that trading war stories and survival tricks created more trust than any façade of expertise ever could have!
And it turns out that the survival tips that I had developed over my years of work in residential treatment centers and Child Protection cases—where I saw some of the most defiant, disrespectful and argumentative behavior there is to see—worked just as well for moms as they did for a counselor!
I turned these tips into a step-by-step guide to help moms raise kids who actually want to listen.
While you aren’t to blame for your child’s behaviors, there are plenty of things you can do to help support and guide that stubborn personality to be used for good in the world (and none of them involve threatening or scaring the behavior out of them).
Here are 3 of my most effective tips for spending more time enjoying the already limited time you have with your kids, and less of it butting heads.
#1 Pick Your Battles
I know…you’re completely sick of being told to “pick your battles.”
You’re the parent. You’re in charge. And kids are supposed to listen because it’s the right thing to do. Period.
So why does everyone tell you to pick your battles?
The simple answer is this: your child was born with an innate ability to question everything, argue and negotiate even the simplest commands and to ultimately find the answer that he deems is right for him.
It’s immaterial whether it is the exact same answer you provided in the first place, or if it is the entire opposite. He is hardwired to follow through only what he figures out for himself.
This means that with every limit you set or every direction you give to a stubborn child, a majority of them will be met with a “No!” or a “But why?” or worse…crickets!
They do this not to annoy you or deliberately offend you, but instead because they are independent, self-motivated individuals who have a desire to figure out for themselves the answers to life’s questions.
It does not matter how relevant your request is. If the idea comes from someone else, a strong-willed child believes that it needs to be challenged before accepting it as the truth. Period.
This doesn’t mean he’ll reject it completely, just that it first requires validation. If he complies with your direction, he does so because he agrees, not just to obey.
Since I know that most of my directions to a strong-willed child are going to be challenged, I (try to) save my energy for those instances when it’s absolutely necessary for my direction to be followed (although I admit that I fail at this sometimes, especially when I’m stressed!).
I know what you’re thinking. “Doesn’t this kid need to learn how the ‘real world’ works, that they can’t be in control of everything?”
You’re right about this. We want children to learn how to act in a social world and to understand how their actions affect others, but does that mean that we should train kids to abandon their innate personality characteristics?
Remember those positive life experiences for strong-willed people I mentioned earlier, like leadership skills, an entrepreneurial spirit and the potential to earn more in a career?
Well, all those things are only possible if we resist the temptation to “correct” these seemingly difficult characteristics out of their personality at an early age, in the name of “discipline.”
So, if we know that a strong-willed child is more likely to challenge a direction because of a spirit of inquisitiveness, do we really want to keep pushing those limits? Isn’t there a more productive way of guiding kids than constantly butting heads with them?
Over the years, after spending time with many children with strong wills, I’ve learned that I can have a less conflicted and more meaningful relationship with kids if I resist the temptation to critique and correct every little thing (Stand up straight…Don’t touch that…Chew with your mouth closed!) and instead provide them the opportunity to validate the idea themselves.
Here’s a simple example. Your strong-willed child is walking through the mall, swinging his new shoes in the shopping bag…windmill style.
The mall is packed and you’re worried that he might hit someone. You want to say, “Stop that!” or “Watch out for other people” but you know that doing so will engage him in a battle for the rest of the trip to the mall.
To avoid the battle and teach a valuable lesson, try this. Instead of setting the limit yourself, ask him, “What could happen if someone was behind you?” or “Why do you think I might be concerned about what I’m seeing here?”
This is especially effective for strong-willed kids because they’re being included in the process, instead of simply being told what to do, which I’ll explain more about in the next section.
#2 Set Limits With Your Kid
One of the most valuable things I’ve learned about the strong-willed child over the years is that they need to know the why behind almost every command they receive.
Sit down!—Why?
It’s time to go!—Why?
Be nice to your sister!—Why?
This particular characteristic of your child may be the most exhausting. After a full day of work and supper burning on the stove, the last thing you want to do is explain why you had to say “No” to yet another episode of Paw Patrol!
Or explain to your 9-year-old for the hundredth time why she can’t get her own phone yet!
Or explain to your teen why you won’t let her go on that overnight trip with a “friend” she just met (and you’ve never heard of!)
If you’ve started to figure your child out, you may know that she needs an answer to everything. But who says you have to be the one to answer it?
Think about it. Once you give an answer, it’s pretty likely that she will argue it anyway, right? Why waste the energy?
So, instead of telling her why, ask her what she thinks!
The Interviewer Technique—one of the techniques in my 9-step guide—is an easy way to set a limit…
It’s time to turn off the TV.
No, you may not have your own phone yet.
Yes, I’m sure. You cannot go on an overnight trip with a friend I’ve never met or heard of!
Then, instead of waiting for her to ask why (which she will), you do it first.
Can you think of the reasons why?
This takes you out of the expert role (that she never believed you held in the first place) and lets her have more of an involved role in identifying why your requests aren’t as ridiculously out of line as she initially thought!
If you haven’t tried this yet, I encourage you to. You will be amazed to see how much insight your strong-willed child has to share.
This technique tends to work very well, but it isn’t a 100% guarantee. Sometimes, you’ll receive some backlash from your child with a smart-mouthed answer, such as “Because you’re mean and you never let me do anything fun!”
In the event that this happens, try to keep calm and focus on the why questions in a supportive manner (instead of arguing back):
Hmmm…I can see how it seems that way to you. You know I love you and that I do what I think is best for you. What do you think my reasons are right now?
Now, on to tip #3, my favorite mostly because it has such an amazing success rate with the moms who have tried it, but also because I think that everyone—kids and adults alike—can benefit from it!
#3 Give Them a Do-Over
Have you ever watched in amazement (or embarrassment) as your child made a choice that made you want to say, “What were you thinking!?”
It’s tempting to assume that these misbehaviors have occurred during a time when your child was actually thinking, but if you watch closely, you can see that moment when his brain catches up to his body and he just realized what he did.
His face says, “What did I just do?!” And his skittering eyes say, “Did mom see that?” And you can almost see his brain switching to defensive gear.
Stop it before he gets there.
The truth is, impulsivity can get the best of all of us and sometimes we act first and think later. Don’t make your child pay for being human. Salvage the situation before it gets worse.
In my guide, I share the Rewind Technique where I encourage moms to give their child a do-over in such situations by saying, “Oops…why don’t you take a second to rewind and try that again.”
This technique has an unbelievable success rate because your child knows you believe in him and trust that he has the skills to do better. And it will definitely help your relationship if you feel like all you do is constantly correct misbehavior!
You’re a Great Mom and You’ve Got This!
So let’s bring this all together. You know you’re a good mom, but sometimes the fear of parent-shaming glares makes you question if you’re doing it right.
And to top it all off, you were blessed with a strong-willed child who challenges your every parenting move. And frankly, all of that arguing has left you exhausted.
I’ve got 3 words for you—You’ve Got This!
You aren’t to blame for the stubborn personality your child was born with, but you will be the reason your strong-willed child thrives in this world!
The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
When you find yourself in a power struggle with your stubborn child, ask yourself:
- Was this limit/direction really necessary? If it really wasn’t, make a mental note for next time to remember that strong-willed kids do best when limits are set for their safety, not their minute-to-minute behaviors.
- Have I shared the “Why?” behind my direction and its importance? If not, remember that your child truly needs to understand the why before she’ll ever consider this as reality.
- Am I misinterpreting their age-appropriate misbehavior? Remember that everyone—even adults—deserves a second chance to show that they’re capable of making the right choice.
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
- Surround yourself with people who remind you that you’re a good mom. Some of your closest friends and family members will give you advice that shakes your confidence. While it isn’t healthy—or in many cases even possible—to walk away from these established relationships, limit your exposure to them, at least in terms of parenting discussions. At the same time, build an alternate support system to remind you of your capabilities as a parent.
- Remember that everyone—even professionals—feels challenged by strong-willed children. There will be many days when you’ll see your child listen to his grandparent or the neighbor and think that his disobedience is all about you. Remind yourself that this isn’t the case, and it is only proof that he feels close enough to you to show you his real personality. And instead of getting down on yourself, remind yourself that that everyone who is close a strong-willed child, even professionals, sometimes feels this way. Focus your energy on using some of the tips above to encourage cooperation instead of agonizing over your perceived failures.
- Remember that the strong-willed personality shouldn’t be “punished” away, but cultivated to provide more good in the world. And please always, always remember: your child will achieve strong independence and self-motivation in adulthood if you help him cultivate those skills in childhood through conversation and teaching self-imposed limits, instead of using threats of punishment to break his spirit and encourage blind obedience.
Great post thanks
Especially love the second chance option. No shamig and lots of believing in your child!!
Thank you, Talya!
Very useful technique, I will apply it to teach my daughter who is at 14 now.Thanks fir sharing it.
You’re welcome, Thanh Ha!
The bible says spare the rod spoil the child, this the way fro millions of people for hundreds of years.
The rod wasn’t just to hit. A Shepard’s rod had a crook on the end. It was used to pull back and put back on the right path. 🙂
🙂
Agree with some things. However sometimes kids just need todo what my mommy and daddy say. It doesn’t always need an explanation. If a child is asked not to play near the street, I am not going to debate it with them while they get hit by car.
Agreed, Joe. Most of the techniques I share in my article are techniques for helping kids to gradually (through trial and error and LOTS of practice) learn how to accept direction from those in authority to them. It takes more time for them because of their personality, but they are able to get there if we focus our efforts in the right direction. Just like a kid who is learning to walk is able to go from crawling, to standing, to toddling, to walking but isn’t able to walk right away (even if we ask them to), so too a strong-willed child will be able to go from arguing and defying to agreeing and understanding the direction of authority when it’s appropriate to do so, just not right away when we ask them to as little kids.
For anything that’s unsafe, we just have to do whatever we have to do to get them to safety. There’s no negotiating over something like not playing in the street, and as parents we are going to stand our ground regardless of how much arguing, or even kicking and screaming, goes on because we know better. Thanks for drawing attention to the fact that these techniques are not a good idea for emergency situations. In this article, I do address how to get kids to listen in an emergency (like playing in the street): http://disciplinedchildren.com/helping-strong-willed-kids-to-listen-during-emergencies/
Thank you so much for great article 🙂
You’re welcome, Hayley! I hope you enjoyed it!
I love that you think I am a good mum. My wife would probably have a few things to say about that. A quick find and replace mom with parent and you should be fine. It’s 2. 40 am and we’ve just both changed a leaky nappy on the smallest, now I’m stoking the fire before I check on the strong willed one, and head back to bed. Dad’s are parents too…
That’s a really great point, Tired Dad. My blog is specifically targeted towards moms, so that is where the mom focus comes from, but I forget to alter that when writing for other sources. I am a huge advocate for dads being equally involved as moms and I love that you’re willing to stand up and remind us all that dads should be as involved.
Good for you! Us moms truly value dads that pitch in with the parenting, so thanks for your polite reminder to mention you more.
I’m glad another dad read this article and said the same thing I was thinking. It’s interesting to me how men get bashed all the time for assuming woman take the parenting role, but then at the same time, articles like this are written that completely ignore the fact that men are also parents.
I’m a single dad that adopted my son from foster care. I’m also a mental health professional that works with parents everyday…. but yet, my role as a parent is constantly dismissed by main stream media. Frustrating.
I know you mean well with your comment. Some food for thought: most dads don’t ‘pitch in’. They have as big a role in parenting as the moms do. Just by saying ‘the dad pitches in’ diminishes that aspect. Remember language feeds the thought and vice versa.
To be honest, I didn’t even see the words “mum” in the article. As an educator of parental programs and Family Services worker I read many articles and just see the nuggets and not worry about he/she, Mum/Dad. Labels are what divide us and we can agree that we are all parents and do the best we know how.
I love the Interviewer technique. Put that good mind to good use and take the energy away from “who’s-gonna-win-this-shootout”! I am definitely trying this with my teen the next time I tell him to turn off the video games.
Thanks, Advomom. Putting an end to screen time can be a huge challenge for any age 🙂 I hope that this technique helps to make this transition easier for you and your son!
Great post! Really well written and positive. Thank you!
Thanks, Sam! I’m glad that you find it to be positive. Sometimes, when interacting with a strong-willed child, the tone can become so negative. We adults have to remind ourselves that this personality characteristic really is a positive one, if we can figure out how to work together with it (versus pushing against it!).
I absolutely love this and will print it out so I can re-read it in the future. The points you make are right along the lines that I have been thinking but struggling to put into practice. Thank you for the tools. As someone else said “dads are parents too”. I see how your writing is directed towards moms, but I think as a society we need to start including dads in all the parenting discussions. Dads these days are so far removed from actually being a parent. Please don’t get me started on people making “daddy daycare” comments when referring to the fact that (God forbid) they had to actually be responsible for their children.
Thank you again for the tools to work with, I feel like I got this.
Thank you for this. I’ve been increasingly at a loss with what to do with my almost 5 year old strong willed daughter. She’s always argued, but now she scream argues for added fun. My mindset has been to teach her respect and obedience, and I’m failing at both obviously. Time outs and other punishments fail to work. Do you have any printed books/materials that I could read for further guidance? I did sign up for the e course. Thanks…really just ready to wave the white flag, and she’s got a younger sister who’s watching it all.
Hi Jenn:
I really like the book “You Can’t Make Me (But I Can Be Persuaded)”…https://www.amazon.com/You-Cant-Make-Persuaded-Strong-Willed/dp/1578561930.
It has some excellent tips for how to interact with your strong-willed child in a way that allows for them to come around on their own time. One disclaimer…the book is written by a Christian so there are a few references to the Bible and Christian faith, but that’s a very small part of the book and a majority of it is focused on real, practical tips you can use today.
This was really good to read. I’ve got two strong willed children, and it can be exhausting. Over the years I’ve found a way of being with them that minimises the power struggles, and allows them to keep their dignity being two very inquisitive and self determined children. At the same time I often feel personally blamed by people around me for not getting them to ‘behave’. Your strategies sound like exactly the thing that will help me with my kids. Your article feels validating and supportive, it’s just what I needed.
Hi Sonya:
It is so frustrating to see the judgment from other people (parents and non-parents alike) about a child’s behavior. I’m glad that you felt supported and I hope that articles like these will bring more light to the fact that we–as adults who are out in public on a daily basis–need to be more supportive and respectful of parents because we don’t know what it’s like to live that parent’s life on a daily basis.
My strong willed child, has grown up to be a strong willed 30 year old adult. I’m still exhausted with this issues. Now what?
Hi Sheila:
There are some major benefits to being a strong-willed person, so your 30-year-old may have some great qualities that he or she can put to good use.
Some of the suggestions that work for kids may also work for adults, they just have to be tweaked a little bit. For example, when having a conversation with a strong-willed person, #1 from this article would still be a good idea to utilize so that you can have a productive conversation that doesn’t turn into an argument.
This article, “Surviving An Argument with Your Strong-Willed Child (Without Becoming a Permissive Parent)” http://disciplinedchildren.com/2017/04/24/surviving-an-argument-with-your-strong-willed-child-without-becoming-a-permissive-parent/ may also be helpful with an adult, not just with a child.
Hopefully that gets you started!
Thank you for this – just what I needed to read right now. I recently started trying the “do over” (we call it “clean slate”) with my 9 yr old strong willed son. It really helps (both of us). Can’t wait for the next opportunity to try #2 though – it won’t be far off!
That’s awesome, Katie. I love that technique too.
You guys amaze me with all the great tips and the ways to understand the entire picture.
Thank you!!
Dad.
Great write up Emily and so many helpful tips to support us mummies with strong willed children – 3 of them!
Will also check out the book links too!
Keep going everyone, we’ve got this!
Hi! Thank you for sharing this. This article really hit home. It priced useful tips and insight not only for my 3 children but my children I evaluate for developmental delays as well. I have met parents who “don’t know what to do” with their child’s behaviour and I will pay forward some of these tips with them. Collaboration and supportive are really essential in cultivating the whole child. Applying these to myself and other parents that are seeking a way to “get through to their kid”. At times, I see that this kind of behavior is reinforced and also affecting a child’s ability to build relationships, their self-esteem and confidence/ overall social emotional well being. Which in my point of view is the most important. It’s important for people to reflect on themselves often and take a step back to see what they can do differently especially when things aren’t working out for them. Thanks again for the guidance!
I agree, Aisha. Honestly, parents don’t have all the right answers and they’re just trying to do the best with what they have at the time. If we can all take the time to take a step back and think about what we can do differently next time, we all benefit.
Some great advice here for dealing with stubborn older children but I have a two year old who pushes back and says “no” constantly, and virtually all of this advice wouldn’t work with him because the reasoning is beyond his comprehension. Any suggestions or other articles you could recommend?
Hi Kirrily:
There’s definitely a difference in those age groups. And those 2-year-olds just love saying “No!” The good news is, this is very normal for this age so it doesn’t guarantee that your 2-year-old will turn into a strong-willed child. Of course, there’s no guarantee either way though 🙂
If you signed up for my guide, there are a few techniques in there that are helpful for the little ones too. The Narrator Technique, The Limit Setting Technique (at least the first part of it) and The Emotion Coach Technique are all helpful techniques for this age group. These techniques build some skill for the future, even if they don’t bring immediate results. Dealing with this problem right now is a lot about the future and building skills for when the child is ready to stop saying “No” versus immediate changes. However, there are some things that you can do to decrease the amount of times he says no.
This article may be helpful to get you started.
https://www.babycenter.com/0_resistance-what-to-do-about-the-endless-nos-age-2_63741.bc
Thank you SO much for writing this article! I can’t wait to try these techniques! Where is the link to your guide? I have a 21-month-old who is already defiant, and it is a wrestling match to get him into the car seat every time! I wrote an article on guilt for this site, so I’ve got the coping with guilt part covered, but I’ll take all the help I can get with my strong-willed buddy!
-Jessica
Hi Jessica!
Thanks for the compliment. Mom guilt is definitely a real thing so I’m glad you wrote a post about it to remind moms that they aren’t alone! 🙂
My guide is available here: http://disciplinedchildren.com/go/busy-moms-9-step-guide/
Great article. I needed this after once again another battle-of-wills between me and my 12 year old strong-willed daughter. This is a good place for me to start taking a different approach to parenting her.
Thank you
You’re welcome, Camille. I’m glad you found a good starting place.
This is really great advice, thank you! I find myself having to do #3 often, but have a lot of work to do on my patience to get better at #2.
Great post! I believe that discipline means everything in a relationship between the child and the parent. An obedient and understanding kid is a kid raised in a happy family. However, one can not force discipline on a child, on the contrary, the children should behave in a good way out of respect for their parents, not fear. These are, in my opinion, the basic ingredients of a happy family!
Great points.
When even your simple requests are getting ignored by your child, look into the past to see how they’ve responded to similar requests before.
You can pick something from memory that can come in handy in the present.
And when you are about to yell, or maddeningly scream at them, again, look into the past.
It will remind you that doing so only leaves you more frustrated – and perhaps gets more of the judgmental eyes you don’t want to look in your direction to pile more pressure on you (looking for signs to show them that you can prove ‘that you’ve got it! ‘)
I am a strong willed kid according to my mom. I have anxiety and came up with a kit to help kids with the things that help me. This includes when I don’t get my way. I am 12 years old and just graduated the Young Entrepreneur Program. My website is Euphoriacalm.com for anyone interested.
As an early childhood educator, I agree with so much that you post. But Can I ask why you don’t included dads in your generalizations? My husband is just as involved in the parenting of our children as I am, and could really benefit from some of this advice, but I worry that you may be turning some men off to your posts by constantly referring to moms and virtually never dads.
Sorry for the delay on this response, Erin. I completely missed this response.
As a blogger, I’ve learned to pick a target market so that I can write to that market. As a counselor, I work with moms and dads and my experiences with the moms and dads is completely different. Not that one is better than the other, just that they are different. Because my site is focused on moms of preschool-early elementary school strong-willed kids, I get so used to saying “mom” in my articles.
I appreciate that people have been willing to draw attention to this in advocacy and support for all parents, not just moms.
Ive used several of your techniques in the single parenting of my daughter who is now 14! She was a stongwilled child but her dad certainly squashed that spirit with his parenting. She’s coming back around but in ways that go against the limits I’ve set for her summer routine. When I ask her what was her thinking when she did something alone that I specifically told her she needed a buddy to do it with, she said, “Well I thought it would be okay bc________________. (Fill in the blank. Usually it’s Bc she thought she would be ok, and she was this time. But what about next? Safety isssues she’s oblivious too, but then I question myself, am I being too strict?
Thanks,
Kim
How do I handle when my 6 year old girl is mean to other children and her friends? I had a mom text me today because my strong willed child told her child that she was glad that her daughter didn’t win a drill during one of their gymnastics practices. My child defended herself to me by saying that the other girl said something mean to her first. I don’t know who or what to believe and that isn’t my concern. She should not be saying hurtful things to her friends period!
Great information, love to try things out. I was the same way as a child and became a successful entrepreneur myself. Hope to see this happening in my child too. Only critic I have, plz include Male parent too. It’s not all moms raising their kids 😉 thanks for considering. Mick
Thanks for the comment, Mick.
I love to hear stories about strong-willed kids turned entrepreneurs. They give more hope to parents who worry that their kids are going to spend their adulthood getting into trouble fighting with authority.
And I’ll make sure to say “parent” next time instead of moms 🙂 I completely forgot to adjust my wording for this site versus my own blog for moms. Thanks for the friendly reminder!
sorry but this postive teaching crap is what’s wrong with kids now days. they think they deserve a reward for everything they do. they think they deseve to be equal with everyone. sorry buttercup but if everyone was equal and had the same abilities…etc this life would be boring. Kids are wild because lazy parents don’t want to hurt their feelings. They want to be friends with their child instead of a parent. This is “positive” teaching is nothing but dumbocrat brainwashing everyone for a communist country. I will NEVER use this brainwashed idea on my child. They need to grow up and realize that the world is a mean and cruel place to live. They will get bullied in school and the work place. (Please be nice to my child, I don’t want his or her feelings hurt that is to much negativity for my child. ) that is what teachers, politicians and parents want. Kids that are stupid and “peacekeepers” are the ones that shoot up schools, but the bullies that know life is not unicorns and rainbows know what real life is like. You people need a life not a rainbow.
Great article! We, too, have a strong willed child (11 year old) and it can be very frustrating when he wont listen to the people who love him and are trying to help him. I loved your point about choosing your battles and hitting the rewind button—such great advice! My only concern with the steps mentioned, is how will my son relate with authority figures (bosses, police, etc) in the real world who don’t follow these techniques? Thanks!
Hello all
I am not a social media guy. I have no facebook etc. My wife sent this to me because we have for the first time out of our four kids a strong willed child. Cudos to the Dads who DO CARE for their kids. Dads are just as important as the moms in a different way! One thing that I have learned is that today’s parents can DO NOT LET THIER KIDS FAIL. Part of my childhood is that I failed and I learned from that. Maybe not at the time but as a parent I realize how important that was. Today’s parents are always propping up their kids so they don’t “feel” disappointed or hurt. I believe parents have created the problem that they complain about and do not realize it. As children get older and do not know how to deal with failing, I believe go to extremes to deal with it which generally speaking is not goood. I must admit this if THE first time I have ever done any social media of any kind but both my wife and I are very passionate about this and it needs to be heared. Give your kids “choices” but let them choose and if they fail support them but don’t bail them out. That is the big difference that as parents we MUST instill in their teaching of their children. Yours truly a very involved DAD
Thanks for the comment, Greg. I absolutely agree that dads are important. My husband is a wonderful dad and my son and I are so lucky to have him in our lives. When this post first came out, there was some discussion about why I wrote “mom” instead of “parent” and the only reason was because my blog is written for moms of strong-willed children.
I absolutely agree with your statement about letting kids fail and that this has to be an integral part of a parent’s job. There’s actually a really great article on this site about helping kids to learn from their failures/mistakes: https://afineparent.com/strong-kids/how-to-deal-with-failure.html
Hi PM:
You are right that authority figures in the future will not use these techniques. That is why we use them now, when kids are young and are still learning how to respond to these situations, so that by the time they are in school and jobs, they’ve learned some of the “why” behind things.
When kids are asked to rewind, this is showing them that (1) their choice was inappropriate and (2) it’s possible to correct mistakes and things can still turn out alright. After you do this for a few weeks or months, you likely won’t have to do it again because maybe you’ll just have to give a look that shows that it was wrong, and then a few months later you won’t even need to be involved and he/she will know that a mistake was made and a correction is necessary.
I strongly encourage parents to refrain from fearing about kids not having skills they need at 30 when they are 4. If a child has the skills she needs at 4, then she’s got a great foundation for the skills she needs at 30, but she’ll get there one developmental stage at a time. With due diligence, these skills will result in the strong-willed child knowing how to gather more information for the “why” and act with purpose, self-regulate when a mistake is made and act when a correction needs to be made, and other valuable skills.
A final note on strong-willed people and authority figures: Being a strong-willed person who defies authority doesn’t have to be a bad thing. This is what has created positive change in our world. Your strong-willed child will not ever become a people-pleaser when the stakes are high because it’s not in their DNA; however, your child may have the guts to stand up for what’s right, even when an authority figure is the person they’re standing up to, and our world needs people like that!
Great article. If you have a strong-willed child who is active, Intuitive, Highly alert, intelligent and has a boundless supply of energy you might just be the proud, exhausted, parent of an Active Alert Child. Check out Dr. Budd work on Active Alerts as well as FB page The active Alert Child
Great resource. Go to https://www.pathwaytoparenting.com/
for additional parenting tips.
Wish I could find some tips that include fathers.
I love this article, just what I needed to manage my kids. Thanks for this piece, especially when you see them listening to others and is tempted to see it as disobedience.
I so needed to read this today! My daughter isn’t listening very well in her preschool’s after care program and they are threatening to kick her out for what I deem normal toddler behavior.
I’m so sorry to hear that, Elizabeth. Unfortunately, the preschool expulsion rate is high (at least in the US). There are many reasons for that, which I will not get into, but it can be very difficult as a parent to see your child showing challenging behavior that is deemed as expulsion criteria. If this is still a challenge you’re facing, there may be local resources available to help provide support and guidance to the preschool after-care program so that they have resources to manage the behaviors they are observing versus removing her from the program. This may be something to look into. If you don’t know where to start, talk with her pediatrician to see if they are aware of any possible resources in the community.
I enjoyed this article – I wish I had had some of these tools as a single parent, while raising my strong-willed son. He was stronger than I am, and it was exhausting. He didn’t make it to 30 years old, he died by suicide.
I’m sending this to my husband so we can positive parent together
Thank you so much for writing this article. I feel more empowered and less blaming for myself. Guiding a strong willed kid is definitely not easy, especially when we want to support them as who they are. And your article helps. I will try the tips out and see.
That is so great to hear, Phoebe. Parents practice so much self-blame. It comes from a loving place for their child, but definitely doesn’t help on the parenting journey. I’m so glad you felt empowered in your role as a parent of a strong-willed parent.
This is something I needed right now. Have been battling with my ten year old. Have noted your points down.
Thankyou so much for penning this down.