Don’t you just hate it when you try to offer positive encouragement to your child but it falls completely flat?

It happened to me just this week. My oldest came home and proudly showed me the ‘A’ he got on his biography of Lord Admiral Nelson. I was so impressed that I immediately said, “Good Job!”

He looked at me expectantly for a few more seconds. And then his face fell.

“Ugh. That’s what you always say!” he said and he snatched his paper out of my hands, obviously disappointed.

“But,” I stammered, “I really think you did a great job!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” he muttered as he walked away dejected.

I felt like the carpet had been pulled out from under my feet. Here I was thinking that I’d been encouraging my son. Apparently though, “good job” wasn’t the way to go.

This is not the case in just our house. Research has shown consistently that generic praise like “good job” may actually do more harm than good.

There is even research which suggests praising children on how they did can cause your child to instinctively reject the praise or, even worse yet, deliberately do the opposite.  If they don’t believe they did a good job having you say “good job” means nothing. Children result in feeling manipulated to perform and they will rebel against the manipulation.

Too much “good job” praise from parents can also cause children to lose their internal motivation.  They achieve only to receive approval from you and not because they are interested in what they are learning or feel good about succeeding.  This creates adults who are unable to find satisfaction because they don’t have practice in feeling what makes them satisfied.

So, if we are to avoid blanket praise like “good job”, what can we say instead that will show our kids we really are proud of them and impressed by their achievement? How can we offer our kids positive encouragement?

[Read more…]

Isn’t it amazing that “I’m Sorry” are just two simple words, yet pack such an unbelievable punch?

They have the ability to mend a hurt just by dancing across our lips in a sincere manner.

Yet, those two little words are the most difficult words for us to utter at times.

I remember as a child I was invited to my best friend’s pool party. She also invited some other friends from school. I was a few years younger than her so I felt a little out of place.

My friend got busy with her school friends, and I felt as though she had forgotten about me. She didn’t do much to make me feel included so eventually tempers boiled. One thing led to another and we ended up in an argument.

I remember going home in tears that day because that was the first time I had ever felt such rejection by such a close friend.

This was the first big argument between us. We had never been so mad at each other before as to stop speaking. This argument was different. We didn’t speak for days after the incident. Neither of us knew how to apologize and take that first step towards reconciliation.

Eventually, I remember her calling and apologizing for my feeling excluded. It may have been days since we talked, but those two magic words – “I’m sorry” – brought so much peace to my young heart. I quickly jumped in with my own apology for the hurtful things I had said during our argument. And just like that, the world tilted back on to its axis again.

In the years since then, I have seen many relationships – from childhood friendships all the way to marriages – being mended and torn apart. Whatever the underlying cause for conflict, in most cases, the mending usually starts with those two simple yet powerful words – “I’m sorry” – said sincerely. And in cases where things fall apart, it is often due to the lack of courage to say, or mean those words.

I want for my kids to be able to use the power of these words for mending. I want them to be able to sincerely say “I’m sorry” and fix a situation when it runs away from them.

At the same time though, I don’t want to force this lesson upon them. Most of the power behind “I’m sorry” comes from the sincerity with which it is said. Sincerity is something I can demonstrate but can’t force my children to feel.

So how can I teach my kids how to apologize sincerely?

Well, here is what I have learned through my experiences so far –

[Read more…]

Have you ever lost something or someone you love? Do you remember the sinking sensation that dealing with loss brings?

Horrible isn’t it? For an instant the bottom falls out of your world. Depending on what, or who, you have lost you may feel adrift for quite some time.

So it is for our children. And in some ways, a whole lot worse.

Little people they may be, but loss brings with it some monumental emotions, even to them. It’s difficult enough to manage as an adult, can you imagine how hard it must be for kids?

What makes it worse is that, in their little still-developing brains, they cannot quite see the difference between the loss of a favourite blankie, a pet, a best friend’s loyalty or their nana the previous year.

To them, they all feel equally monumental and overwhelming. And when the adults in their lives just don’t get it this adds to the anxiety.

If you are reading this site, parenting positively though life’s little and big crises is probably one of your goals. Let’s take a look at what we can do to help our children through the maze of  dealing with loss so they can grow into strong emotionally intelligent adults.

[Read more…]

They’re watching you.

You can feel several sets of eyes on you – watching and waiting for your next move.

Your child has just started screaming and thrashing, and everyone around is wondering what will happen next.

You can feel the weight of their stares, judgment, and disapproval. Not to mention their almost morbid curiosity.

It’s every parents’ nightmare… a public tantrum. It’s embarrassing, awkward and humiliating.

Particularly if you don’t deal with it ‘right’.

But can you actually deal with tantrums in public the ‘right’ way while keeping your positive parenting hat on? Or, better yet, can you prevent the whole thing from happening in the first place?

Well yes, I believe you can.

You see, tantrums can be prevented before you even set foot outside the house. And even when tensions rise and a tantrum seems imminent, it can be nipped in the bud.

And if the worst happens, and your child launches into a full-throttle temper tantrum in public, there are empathetic and supportive ways of handling the situation.

Let’s take a closer look at how to deal with tantrums today, particularly the ones that happen in public with the spotlight squarely on you. Specifically we’ll look at 3 stages — the way before, the just before, and the during of the dreaded public temper tantrum.

[Read more…]

In my house 90% of all arguments start with a “Can I?” followed up with a “No.”

Then CRACK! We’re off to the shouting matches.

Here’s a recent shout-a-thon.

“Can I have a PS4?”

“No.”

“But why can’t I have a PS4?? Alex has one! And so does Miles!”

“But you are not going to have one. You don’t need one!”

“But they have Star Front Battle Wars! I love that game!”

“I said NO!”

“But I WANT it! And I am GOING to get it!”

“You. Are. Not! Now, you listen to me, young man! There is no way, on this green earth, that I am going to buy you a PS4!!”

“YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!”

“GAAAAHHHHH!!!!”

Did all that shouting solve anything? Nope.  Am I proud of myself? Not in the slightest.  In fact, as soon as I calm down I feel awful.  I shouted at my child! I’m not even sure why. I must be the worst parent ever!

Sound familiar?

I’ll let you in on a little secret …

[Read more…]