Have you ever noticed your kids reacting to stress in ways similar to yours? Have you taught them how to reduce stress?

For many of us, we resort to acting out our own unique version of the ‘fight or flight’ stress response. We might internally ‘argue’ with what is happening. Or we might shut down and resist dealing with it altogether.

For me, my subconscious response is to force my will upon the situation — not the best way to respond when you are trying to be a positive parent.

My 4-year-old son, who has a flair for delay, one day decided he simply must find his ‘very-special-one-of-a-kind’ blue button. I was trying not to be late to teach yoga class and with everything else that had been going on in my life at that time, I was in no mood to search the house to find a button. So, I put my foot down.

“No, we don’t have time to look for it now. We’ll find it when we get back.” I said.

“But, mommy, I need it!” He said in truth.

“It’s not that important. Come here please.”

“NO!” he yelled and stormed away in a desperate search.

“Get over here right now! I’m going to count! 1….2….”

You can see where this is going. A perfect storm of circumstances culminating in a power struggle of epic proportions. Never underestimate the will of a 4-year-old.

Stress is without a doubt one of the biggest banes of modern life. It lurks silently below the surface and sabotages the best of our intentions when we least expect it.

Luckily, there’s hope for all of us.

Stress is NOT Inevitable

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It was 5 pm on a Sunday when my phone buzzed. I did not recognize the number or the voice. “I’m sitting here beside your son at the bike park. Your husband has had an accident. Paramedics are on their way. He’s not okay.”

I looked around the living room. My infant was asleep, while my toddler and preschooler were playing around me. My 6-yr-old was with his semi-conscious father at a bike park an hour from home. We’d lived in Denver exactly eight weeks.

In that moment, life changed irrevocably for my family.

My husband survived the accident but had life-altering injuries. In the months that followed, I realized our lives were not going to go according to our plan.

Before becoming parents, we dreamed of the kind of childhood we would give our kids. We were certain we would never repeat our parents’ mistakes. We would never lose our temper or forget important days. They would never experience any of the hardships we did. No matter what, we would insulate them from suffering.

Unfortunately, life just doesn’t work that way.

Accidents, illnesses, pandemic, sudden job loss, divorce, financial strain, addictions.

At some point, all of us have to face the fact that our kids don’t get to live the fairy tale childhood we dreamed for them. Instead, many of them must deal with circumstances that are difficult for even adults to navigate.

Not only that, but we now have to learn to parent them through their hard seasons while also walking through the toughest times in our own lives.

When the life we planned for our children falls apart, when things go wrong in horrible, unexpected ways, how do we move forward as parents? How do we help our children move out of a crisis and toward a healthy life?

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Have you ever tried to lead by example with your kids…and totally failed?

I sure have!

While on vacation recently, we attended a breakfast to meet an esteemed colleague of my husband’s. They have an adult daughter with significant disabilities. After speaking with the mom for a while, I called my 5 year old daughter over to say hi.

But the minute she saw this woman in the wheelchair, she hid behind my legs. I tried to pry her fingers from me and make her say hello, but she refused.

You could see the fear in her eyes. And I was mortified. 

Here her father and I have devoted our lives to loving people with special needs and their families. To encouraging their parents and siblings. To spreading awareness about their abilities versus their disabilities.

And my own daughter was scared.

All she saw were the differences. The wheelchair. The drooling. The erratic movements.

I thought I was a decent role model and was leading my daughter by example. That she had watched me interact with all the students with special needs at my job and the way we accept and love all the kids with special needs at my husband’s work. I thought that our strong example would set the tone for her own response when it came to interacting with people with special needs.

Isn’t that what we are supposed to do as parents? Lead by example?

Maybe. But sometimes just being a role model is not enough.

Sometimes it’s the conversations that make the difference. That drives home the point. That allows the other person to ask questions, to explore their own doubts and fears and judgments. To bring to light topics that might otherwise remain hidden.

Thankfully, there are practical ways we can teach our children how to be more open-minded and choose to be inclusive. Here are 4 that have worked for me – 

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Did you know that Oprah Winfrey had an abused and neglected childhood followed by troubled adolescence peppered with drugs, teenage pregnancy, depression and even attempted suicide?

Today though, we know her as a larger-than-life figure with more success than most of us can imagine.

And yet, for every Oprah, there are thousands of kids, if not more, who didn’t make it. Oprah’s own half-sister for instance, died of reasons related to cocaine addiction.

Why is this? Why is it that some people have virtually indestructible inner strength that pulls them out of the direst circumstances while others crumble under far less complicated circumstances?

Is this inner strength something we can nurture in our kids?

Maybe our goal isn’t to raise the next Oprah, but can we make sure that no matter what life throws at them our kids will face it like champs and come out stronger for it?

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So here’s a parenting conundrum to kick off your day:

Q: How do we keep our kids grounded and secure?

So many possible answers. But the truth behind all of them is really very simple:

A: We give our kids wings and show them how to be free.

This is one of the primary contradictions of parenting – the delicate juggling act between setting limits, while simultaneously encouraging independence.

Finding a way to give our kids both roots to keep them grounded and wings to soar, is quite possibly the best gift we parents can ever give.

It begins as soon as our children start to move unaided. And it’s a paradox that will haunt many of our parenting decisions until they leave home. And beyond.

Finding the balance between boundaries and freedom is key to raising strong kids who will thrive no matter what. It’s the difference between raising a child who is tentative, and one who is self-assured. One who will take life’s knock-backs hard, and one who will meet challenges with confidence.

No pressure then.

It’s enough to tie your own emotions in knots. Not to mention your stomach. Mine is all tangled just thinking about it. So just how do we find a way to give our kids this precious gift?

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