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As a mom, I much prefer to be on the offensive rather than on the defensive when it comes to my child’s behavior. Instead of managing meltdowns all day long, we try our best to green light our son’s positive behavior in order to prevent tantrums from happening frequently.

This is especially true when taking my son to church. I have noticed that when I do not use green-lighting tactics, my son will spend the time trying to run away, throwing toys, talking loudly, and whining to get out of the pew. The whole hour in church is an epic fail and I spend the majority of the hour defusing meltdowns and playing cleanup.

On the other hand, when I take steps to green light positive behavior in church, I have a toddler who (mostly) sits and quietly plays with the toys and books we bring to entertain him.

[Read more…]

How do you handle frustration?

Do you vent to your spouse or a friend? Throw a mini-tantrum (albeit the “grown up” version)? Shut yourself into a bedroom and binge-watch Netflix with a pint of Ben & Jerrys? Punch a pillow? Go for a run? Pour a stiff drink? Meditate or pull out the yoga mat? Shrug it off and just move on?

Even as adults, we all find ourselves in situations that elicit behaviors we believe may help us cope with emotions…some perhaps healthier than others. While our mature minds may be better equipped for handling big emotions, we all still have our slip-ups; those moments we might look back on and realize that our behavior in response to the situation was less than stellar.

So why do we expect so much more from our children; whose neurological connections are still under construction and not yet fully able to process the big emotions that come along with life?

Even when misbehaviors are annoying, inconvenient, and frustrating, they still serve a purpose in development. If handled with empathy, consistency, limit-setting, and love, children can learn what behaviors work for them and what do not–both in getting what they want as well as getting the emotional stability that children crave.

So what’s the secret behind HOW to do this successfully? Well, if you figure out a method that works for every child in the world, please let me know! As with everything else in raising children, there is never a “one-size-fits-all” method.

Many factors can influence behavior, with age and brain development being at the top of the list.

We can take clues from understanding the brain development of a child and what is “age-appropriate” normal behavior to understand how we can effectively guide our kids. [Read more…]

Have you been racking your brain on how to raise a highly sensitive child? I know from personal experience that it is not a walk in the park!  

Picture this: 

You receive a luxurious dinnerware set as a birthday gift. Very posh, delicate, pricey, and exquisite. As you unwrap it, four words on the box stick out – “Fragile, handle with care.” You absolutely love the gift and can’t wait to dine with it. But you also know that those four words are not hogwash. You must take them seriously for the longevity of your gift. 

This is the exact feeling I get every day as I raise my highly sensitive daughter. She is undoubtedly a precious gift in our family. She blows my mind with her empathetic nature and extraordinary abilities. But she guards a very brittle heart. Over time, I have realized that I need to nurture her with a little more caution.

Highly sensitive children (HSC) have a highly perceptive nervous system. They take in more sensory information and process it more intensely. They are therefore more prone to stress and anxiety. They do not adapt to change easily and may wince at the slightest physical pain. On the flip side, they are loving, empathetic, intuitive, and gifted–both intellectually and creatively. [Read more…]

My ex-wife, our teenage son and I were sitting at a table in an airport café. He was telling her about our summer holiday with my parents.

“Why are you so well-behaved?” she said suddenly. “I mean, you’re a teenager! Shouldn’t you be more rebellious?”

Our son pondered the question.

“Do you know what it is?” he said. “I actually think your rules are fair. And if there’s a rule I don’t think is fair, I know I can talk to you about it and you’ll listen.”

His mother and I exchanged a glance. We were delighted, of course, but this had been our intention from the beginning. We wanted our parenting to be fair.

Still…wanting something and achieving it are two different things.

Do you find it challenging to achieve fairness in parenting? Does your child find your parenting fair? And do you and your partner agree on what fairness is?

Rest assured, you are not alone! [Read more…]

Once, as I stepped up to speak with a group of parents, the woman in charge introduced me with these words: “Here’s Jill, the Anger Mom.”

I thought, there are titles I’d rather be labeled. Pastor and change expert. Lord of the Rings fanatic. Generic “writer and speaker.” I’d take Crazy Cat Lady over “Anger Mom.” It wouldn’t be wrong.

“Anger Mom,” though, is what I’ve become to a couple generations of parents needing someone who’s walked the journey from angry parent to peaceful home. It’s the most popular topic chosen from my speaking list. I believe that’s because none of us ever expected to turn into that parent. [Read more…]