Blog - A Fine Parent

A Personal Story:
Life, Goals and Gobi Manchurian

by Sumitha Bhandarkar.
(This article is part of the Wisdom From the Trenches series. Get free article updates here.)

Do you believe in the power of stories?

I do.

And today, on the almost-3rd anniversary of this blog (it’s on Oct 7th, woot!), I want to share with you a story that has driven some of the biggest decisions of my life in the recent years and helped me turn my life around.

This is a story from my college days.

As many of you know, I was born and raised in India. The culture and lifestyle there, particularly 20+ years back was very different than it is here now.

Back in India, parents fund children’s college years. There are no jobs for students to do to earn an income. You learn to make do with whatever allowance your parents give you.

I am a middle child from a middle-class family. My years in college overlapped those of my sisters… first my older sister and then my younger sister. Consequently, the allowances we received were pretty meager.

I didn’t think too much about it at the time though. It was the norm. Most students fell into one of two distinct classes — the “rich” or the “others”.

I firmly belonged among the “others” and for the most part, I was perfectly fine with it.

During the first years of my college, I received an allowance of Rs. 800 (USD 12) per month, and a little more in the later years. Out of this Rs. 600 – Rs. 650 would go towards my board (a small room shared with two others), food and electric bills. That left me with roughly Rs. 150 – Rs. 200 (about USD 2.25 – USD 3) to for all other expenses — from books to tampons.

The cost of living in India 20 years back was quite low. But still, Rs. 200 didn’t go very far. Ever the resourceful, we — the “others” — made up with creativity what we lacked in the financial department. [Read more…]

10 Instances When You Should Get Out Of The Way To Be a Better Parent

by Jennifer Poindexter.
(This article is part of the Positive Parenting FAQ series. Get free article updates here.)

So, on this site we talk a lot about being connected parents.

About guiding and supporting our kids in their journey through childhood, so they can grow up to be fantastic human beings.

Today though I want to take a step back and look specifically at those instances when we need to get out of the way so we can be better parents.

It was amazing how many situations I could come up with once I got thinking!

We’ve got a lot to cover, so let’s dive right in –

#1 When Your Lid Is About To Blow

Let’s just start off with a bang.

Sometimes there are instances when we can get angry in a controlled manner.

And then, there are those when all sanity has left the building, and we simply want to scream, rant and rave not caring a hoot to what destruction it leaves in its wake.

[Read more…]

8 Fascinating Insights from Psychology Research That Will Make You a Better Parent

by Sumitha Bhandarkar.
(This article is part of the Research Insights series. Get free article updates here.)

Do your kids sometimes exhibit completely unexpected and irrational behavior?

Heck, do you sometimes do the same?

Psychologists have been studying human behavior and our minds for eons and some of the things they’ve discovered are fascinating.

I love reading about these studies that explain some of our crazy, cooky behavior! And while not all of the studies that I’ve come across are related to parenting, I find that their insights can nevertheless be applied to our day-to-day parenting choices to make us much better parents.

So today, I decided to consolidate some of these studies in one place. I hope you find them as fascinating as I do.

Alright, here we go –

#1 Marshmallow Experiment

[Read more…]

How to Handle the “I Hate School” Declarations

by Jennifer Poindexter.
(This article is part of the Positive Parenting FAQ series. Get free article updates here.)

“I hate school!” your child yells as they storm off to their room.

Ugggh! Such a heartbreaking and exhausting statement.

School is an important part of every child’s life.

Irrespective of whether they go to a public school, a private school, virtual school, are homeschooled or have some combination of these, school is where your child learns the academic basics that will carry through with them into their adult years.

It is also where they get their first lessons in social development, problem solving, conflict resolution, planning and organization.

And when your child declares (repeatedly) that they hate school, it can be stressful and trigger all kinds of fear and frustration.

I understand it. I really do. It wasn’t very long ago that my son uttered those same words on a daily basis. I rarely ever heard anything positive about school from him.

We’ve gone through some challenging situations as parents, but this one was particularly stressful to me. First through public school and then homeschool, I had to figure out a way to help my child learn to love school.

I documented the whole process as much as I could, and I want to share the things I learned along this journey with you. Hopefully, something within it will resonate with you, and more importantly with your child.

Here we go –

[Read more…]

How to Get Kids to Listen To You
and Do What They Are Asked To

by Cally Worden.
(This article is part of the Positive Parenting FAQ series. Get free article updates here.)

Can you imagine how simple life would be if your children just did what you asked of them, when you asked it?

Better yet, what if they would do things they are supposed to even before you had to ask them?

No argument.

No battle-of-wills.

Wouldn’t it be nice?

Before I discovered the joys of positive parenting, I wouldn’t have believed this was even possible.

Back then, I couldn’t even figure out how to get kids to listen to me, let alone get them to do what they were asked. Even simple requests for a specific action or a change of behavior from my kids could oh-so-easily escalate into monster power struggles.

And frankly, it was wearing me out.

Here are just four of many simple requests I can recall that got totally out of control – I’m sure they will sound familiar in various ways:

Me: Can you please bring your cup through to the kitchen?
My Daughter: In a minute Mom … (and she is lost in the TV program again)

Me: Kicking your sister is not okay.
(Cue defiant stare and a sneaky swift kick to his sister’s ankle.)

Me: Time to clean up kids, could you please put the coloring things away?
My Daughter: Why should I? They’re not all mine!

Me: We don’t play with the knobs on the cooker, it’s dangerous.
(30 seconds later little fingers have fiddled again.)

Each time, my hackles rose, my inner power-switch flipped to ‘On’. I’m in charge here right? I would assert my authority (via a raised voice, angry stare, threats of time out, and so on).

And I would eventually ‘win’.

But when we were done and the tears had dried, I would feel wretched inside. And my weary brain would crave relief, and I would wonder – Is it bedtime yet?

It was a hollow victory.

My kids were sad. I was sad.

Sure, they jangle my nerves sometimes, but most of the time, they are fun, loving and amazing kids. I didn’t want to spend their entire childhood looking forward to bedtime. I wanted to spend time with them and enjoy it.

So I got to thinking – is there some other way to get them to listen to me and do as they are asked without all this stress and drama?

Thankfully, there is. And it works, too!

[Read more…]