Does this sound familiar?

You tell your kids you’re all going to the store, and one immediately responds with a whiny “Whhhhhyyyy?”

You calmly explain that you need some groceries, and a response comes back immediately: “I don’t waaaaant to go! Sophie’s mom never makes her go grocery shopping!”

Managing to stay calm, you explain that different families have different rules and, in your family, you don’t do things the way Sophie’s family does. And then, you ask your kids to put on their shoes.

(Yaay for a calm positive parenting moments, right?)

But instead of being appeased and hopping up to put on her shoes your child responds back with “And Sophie gets twice as much pocket money as I do!”

What?

And in a matter of seconds, the conversation turns from pocket money to the ‘fact’ that everyone else at school has a mobile phone.

And you find yourself having a full blown argument over the necessity of a mobile phone for an eight-year-old!

How did that happen?

All I did was asked my kids to get ready to go to the store! And here I was embroiled in a completely unrelated power struggle with my child.

If you have a strong-willed child with a mind of their own, you know what I’m talking about…

They have an opinion about everything and a rebuttal for every request.

Talking back is a way of life for them – as natural, and perhaps as involuntary, as sneezing when pepper gets in your nose.

They don’t do it to be disrespectful. They do it because… that’s just who they are!

On the one hand, you don’t want to squash their spirit. After all, there are studies to show that kids who talk back are likely to be more successful in life.

On the other hand, you are only human. There is only so much back talk you can take. You can’t afford for every request to go to the grocery store to turn into a debate over something entirely unrelated.

I’ve been there and I know how you feel. And over the years, I’ve found a way to deal with back talk without being drawn into power struggles, and without squashing my child and her wonderful spirit.

Here are the 5 tricks I use –

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I never thought it would happen to me.

My children are sweet, and kind, and loving and gentle.

Except when they’re not.

And even that’s okay, because they’re kids, right? They are learning to manage emotions. I’m a thinking parent. I can hold their outbursts. I can be their emotional buffer. I have this down.

Except when I don’t.

‘I Hate You, Mom!’

These words hissed from the tender mouth of my 7-year-old daughter carved the breath right out of me.

WhereDidThatComeFrom?

And what terrible act on my part provoked such an outburst?

My insistence that shorts were not appropriate attire for the sub-zero temperatures of a December morning.

Really?

I’m working hard to be a positive parent. In that moment, I felt so betrayed!

Of course, the ‘I Hate you, Mom!’ had very little to do with the shorts thing.

I knew that. But boy, did it crush me anyway!

At the time I didn’t know what to do, or how best to respond. I can’t even remember now what I did. Let’s just say it wasn’t my finest moment.

I do recall being aware of the need to explore this idea further. So, I did some homework to prepare myself in case ‘I Hate You, Mom!’ came to play again.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

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“Fold the socks!”

I hear my youngest crying out of frustration, “Ohhhh, I can’t do it!”

“Yes, you can. Now I said to fold the socks!”

I come into the room, “What is going on in here?”

My husband murmured through frustration, “I’ve showed him how to fold the socks, but he won’t. Instead, he stands there and just cries…”

“Well, have you ever considered it’s because you aren’t speaking his language?”

“What do you mean speaking his language? He knows it’s because you’ll come to his rescue!”

That was just a snippet of a conversation I had with my husband a while back.

You know what I realized for the millionth time?

My husband and I do not always agree on parenting.

I’ll admit it, I’m the positive parent. I have my moments when I’m more human than positive, but I truly try to hear my kids out.

I want to communicate with them instead of barking at them.

My husband is a great father. He is a great husband. However, he was simply raised differently.

When mom or dad said to do something, you didn’t question it. You did it!

Are you and I in the same boat? You want to be a positive parent. You are trying to be a positive parent, but your partner is just not on board?

I want to share a few of my secrets that have helped me handle this dynamic without ending up in World War III on a daily basis.

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Ah, summer. That wonderful time of year when magic can happen.

I love summer vacation. There is swimming, sleeping in, playing with friends, and camps to attend! The possibilities for fun are endless!

Our summer, like everybody’s, starts off with a lot of excitement and the boys embrace the joy and freedom of summer vacation.

For about a week.

Then the strains of I’m booooorrrred! There’s nothing to dooooooo… come wafting through the house.

I did have suggestions for them for what to do. Oddly, neither of my boys seemed to want to do any of the chores I mentioned. (Unless it was for money.)

All I could do was roll my eyes as Henry flopped on the couch, put his hand over his eyes in imitation of a swoon worthy of Scarlet O’Hara, and repeated, “I’m booooooredddddddDDDDAH!” for what seemed like the 100th time that day.

I was ready to scream. Instead, showing great restraint, I reached out to Google and Pinterest to find some suggestions for my boys.

While I was busy doing “research”, I suddenly realized… the whining had stopped. And in its place, I heard the not-so-quiet sounds of two boys busy building costumes and making up stories.

And just like that I had stumbled upon the secret of unlocking a child’s inner creative genius…

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A calm-down corner (or area; it doesn’t have to be in a corner) is a place for angry and upset children to go to engage their minds and release their anger. I used this when my children were little in place of time-out because time-out didn’t work for my sensitive son. Here, I’ll show you how to make the perfect calm-down corner for your child that you can put together today and start to use right away.

The Purpose

Becoming and remaining calm during anger is an important skill for children to learn. When we are angry, something significant happens in our brains. We experience an “amygdala hijack” and the primitive part of our brain is activated.

This is the fight, flight, or freeze response.

When we are in our primitive brains, we have limited access to logic and reasoning. We are quick to react without thinking it through. We just aren’t able to think clearly. If you want a more scientific explanation of what happens to the brain when you’re angry, check this out.

The purpose of the calm-down corner is to get out of fight or flight and engage the thinking part of the brain again. Until the anger has subsided, a child can’t really learn the lessons we want to teach about why their behavior is unacceptable and what they should do instead. (The reason why time-out doesn’t work for many children is because it is perceived as a threat or causes further feelings of anger and fear which just keeps the child locked in their primitive brain!)
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