When I was a sophomore in high school, my parents sat the family down in the living room, opened up an enormous binder and asked my younger brother and me to pick a sister, any sister, from any country around the world.

We chose an eighteen-year-old, trumpet-playing, tall and strong-minded Finnish student who did, indeed, become a real sister to me over the course of the following year.

My parents had made rumblings in the past about hosting a foreign exchange student. We lived in a tiny, rural town in Central California, so they saw the exchange experience as a double-blessing: My parents could share the wealth of our small-town lives and the beauty of our diverse state while culturally enriching their own children’s lives. We had previously hosted a German teacher for a summer, and my brother’s baseball team had provided temporary housing for players from Russia — the USSR at that time. We were no strangers to strangers in our home.

But when the day finally came to choose the exchange student, I was nervous about the change. My life was filled with academics, sports and other extracurriculars, and my parents both had busy jobs in addition to being key participants in their children’s activities.

This experience was going to put me outside my comfort zone, and I wasn’t sure I would like it. Would there be enough room for another sister?  Would my parents have enough love to go around?  What would we gain by shaking up our seemingly comfortable lives?

As it turned out, quite a lot! While that year certainly came with ups and downs—as they do in any family—the lifelong friendship, the bond of sisterhood and the cultural experience I gained from having Karo in my life outshone all the extra squabbles over the shared curling iron.

It was such a worthwhile experience, that here we are, over 30 years later, preparing to choose another sister. Only this time, it’s my own family—my husband, myself and our three daughters. And this time, there will be no binder, no leafing through pages of possibilities, since we have already chosen our sister-for-a-year: Karo’s daughter from Finland. [Read more…]

Going to school for many kids is like going to war each and every day. It is a battleground where they are faced with the responsibility of making all kinds of decisions and having to deal with the consequences of their actions.

You see, making decisions independently is hard enough for a child. However, when faced with pressure from their peers to make a decision one way or the other, it becomes a whole new ball game.

There are so many more pressures that kids face today than ever before in history. The traditional pressures of smoking, drinking and drugs continue to pervade our society. But these days children have to engage on two different fronts: making wise decisions in person, and while using technology in the cyberworld, in particular on social media.

As a middle school teacher of 20 years, I have seen the evolution of challenges and the social pressures and expectations that kids face. Peer pressure to look and act a certain way, say the right things to be accepted into the “in-crowd,” play the “cool” games everyone else is playing, wear the latest designer clothing brands everyone else is wearing, and — nowadays — partake in the social media forums everyone else is taking part in. [Read more…]

When my first born was a toddler and started testing limits, I didn’t have my parenting and discipline strategy completely sorted out.

My sweet and calm child had learned to shake his head no, stomp his foot when something wasn’t to his liking and throw his dinner down to feed the dog instead of eating it himself.

My friends and even complete strangers often complimented me on what a well behaved toddler my son was. But as a new mother, I found some of his behaviors pushed my buttons.

Can I confess something to you? 

I was convinced that some of my toddler’s behavior was bad and needed to be stopped right away. Especially because I had another baby on the way and didn’t want to have out of control kids.

Thinking the problem was my discipline style, I started counting, using warnings and time outs when behaviors didn’t  meet my expectations.

That turned out to be a really bad choice for us.

Instead of better behavior from my son and a calmer home, we ended up with more tears for all of us.

Counting and control didn’t help my son learn new and better behaviors. My attention was always focused on what was going wrong instead of on all the wonderful things my son was capable of doing.

Our strong bond had been disrupted and I knew in my heart I needed to repair it.

Special Time was just what we needed.  
[Read more…]

It’s time to leave the park, but your kid isn’t ready.

You’re already running late for dinner, but he’s having a great time. You don’t want to end on a bad note, do you?

So you agree to give him a few more minutes. Then you sweetly let him know it’s really time to go.

He drags his feet. He pouts. You feel the tension building up.

You did everything right. You gave advance warning, you talked positively. What now? How are you supposed to set limits without yelling or caving in?

[Read more…]

I was at my son’s school to check him out early for an appointment. While I waited for him, the school secretary commented on what a nice, helpful kid my son is.

“Really?” I replied, hoping she would say more.

“Oh yes, just the other day, it was raining and several girls forgot their umbrellas. Your son took his jacket off and held it over their heads while they were waiting in the carpool line so they wouldn’t get wet!” she said.

Smiling, I thanked her for the compliment, but I wasn’t surprised. I could picture my son doing that!

That’s when I realized his actions at school were the actualization of a lifetime of lessons that family, friends and teachers have gifted to my son.  We’ve worked hard to teach him to be helpful through conscious attention to teaching helpfulness as a skill.

Teaching kids behaviors like helpfulness is an endeavor that starts when they are babies and continues until they leave home, and it’s influenced by everyone our kids come in contact with. I suppose you have heard the saying “It takes a village”? How true that saying is!

That’s why it’s important to expose our kids to the people that will be the best role models. To give them age-appropriate toys and entertainment that aligns with your family’s values. To know who their friends are and the ideas they are being exposed to. And to give them the best education we can find.

Helpfulness is a wonderful character trait to teach our children. I’ve read that kids are like sponges; they soak up everything! You see, learning doesn’t start on the first day of school. Learning starts the day they are born! [Read more…]