Search Results for: What is

You were hoping to get through this simple errand without any misbehavior from your strong-willed child, but — as usual — here you are again, in a public situation with a child who isn’t quite meeting your expectations for public behavior.

Now what?

From your experience, every time you try to correct your child’s behavior, it turns into an epic power struggle and you tend to find yourself on the losing end most of the time. And that’s the last thing you want right now with all of these judgemental onlookers watching your every move.

When faced with the unique challenge of raising a strong-willed child, you may find yourself wondering what on earth you can even say to your child to help achieve your goal of improving that behavior, without turning the conversation into a seemingly never ending battle of wills, with no real solution in sight.

You may frequently wonder, why does a simple request such as, “Please stop that” have to turn into such a battle? Can’t he just do what I’ve asked of him like a child is supposed to do?

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Racing around the house, tensions are mounting, and the clock in my head is ticking louder and louder.

Tick! Tock! Tick! Tock! We’re late! We’re late!

My underlings continue to amaze me with their expert aptitude for crafting new versions of dawdling. Like a leaky bucket, minutes dribble on the floor behind us.

Sibling conflict is a major culprit today. “Bwuthew isn’t talking to me. He fawted and I towd him to say, ‘excuse me’ and he didn’t ansew.” Two minutes down the drain as his story painstakingly makes its way into words.

Tick! Tock! Tick! Tock!

Another two minutes pass as I stand there scratching my head. I don’t even know how to answer him, except to say, “Just put your shoes on.”

The later it gets, the less I am able to cope with the fact that I am still wearing pajamas. Every effort to dress is circumvented. “I don’t like that kind of bread!” “Where is my other shoe?” “Can you get down my lunchbox?” “Can you pay me $2 since I took the dog potty and cleaned my room?” “Mom, this ponytail is fuzzy in the back. Can you redo it?”

Tick! Tock! Tick! Tock!

Frustration builds alongside foiled efforts. Tension in my body mounts. Their silky faces, clumsily-formed words, squeaky voices, and large, innocent eyes are shamefully inadequate to ward off the volcano preparing to blow.

What happens next is nothing short of a miraculous moment.

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Have your kids ever screamed at you in total, uncontrolled anger?

Pretty much every mom I know has had this experience – some more than others – and still, every time we experience it still feels as raw as the first time it happened.

I recently had a mother pose the situation of her eight-year-old son who was having difficulty with anger. This had moved her to ask for ways to help him.  It usually happened when he didn’t get his own way.  This would cause him to lose control and even was affecting his ability to make friends.

Reflecting on her question took me back to when my kids were young, remembering how easy it was to respond to such outbursts with my own anger, especially when the outbursts continued.

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Recently my 12 year old was showing me a school project about his future- including going to college across the country.

The idea of him going away to college wasn’t a fun one, but as cheerfully as I could muster, I said, “I can’t wait to visit you there.”

He blurted back, “You’re not invited!”

He quickly added, “Just joking!” but I got the message.

This little guy- who used to greet me so enthusiastically that onlookers thought we’d been separated for days not hours- was telling me he is not so little anymore.

Our children start out as helpless infants who almost feel like an extension of our own bodies. Someday- in the not too distant future- they will be self-sufficient adults possibly living across the country. It is their job to get there and our job to support them as they grow and mature- and separate from us. Toddlers want to “Do it myself!” as they strive for independence. Your 8 year old might like snuggles at home but don’t be surprised when she suddenly drops your hand on the way to the bus. “Someone might see us!” (Yup, it happened to me recently.)

Your child really starts in earnest on the road to independence in the tween/teen years. These can be some of the hardest you face as a parent. Kids this age can seem like children one minute and wise-beyond-their-years in another. They take 2 steps away and one step back.

Not only is your child experiencing the physical upheaval of puberty or pre-puberty, his brain is rewiring and this can be a source of emotional upheaval.

Amid all of this- your child is doing his job and separating from you. You both will experience growing pains.

As a parenting coach and the mama of a teenager, a tween, and a pre-tween, I know how hard these years can be. You are not alone: a recent article stated that “the years surrounding the onset of adolescence are among the most difficult times for mothers… Compared to mothers of infants, these women experience the lowest levels of maternal happiness and are even more stressed out than new parents.” It’s hard to move out of the center of your child’s life- let alone be excluded from the circle.

The whole point of parenting is to raise children into adults who no longer need you. That doesn’t mean it’s easy.

Sentences from my two oldest often start with “No offense, Mom…” I often get karate blocked when I go in for a hug. I’m no longer the first to know how they’re feeling or what they’re thinking.

But I also know certain tweens and teens (ahem) who still ask for tuck-ins and like me to walk them to the door in the morning to say good-bye, who seek me out to pour out their ideas and their hearts when they are in the mood.

How do we stay close to our kids when they are (developmentally appropriately) beginning to move away from us?

We need to parent for both connection AND independence. We have to hold on so they can let go.

Here are some strategies you can use and ideas to keep in mind as your growing child transitions from your little one to an adolescent and eventually, to an adult.

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