“But Moooom! Whyyy?”

“Because, I Say So!!”

How easily those four words roll off our tongues when our children meet us with whining and repeated demands.

But is it a good idea to keep resorting to them?

I am a mom of three boys. One of their biggest questions is, “Mom, can we go to Nana’s?”

We live right across the street from her so they run back and forth constantly! They love to go see their grandmother, but I also know that they love to go have the run of her TV; they love to get out of doing their daily chores; and they love all of the sweet treats that Nana gives them every time they walk through her door.

So by the zillionth time in a day they ask me, “Mom, can we go to Nana’s?” and they have heard, “Not right now” they naturally reply with, “But, whyyyyyy?” (Drawn out with a dramatic plea.)

By now I’m at my wit’s end. And I’m quick to quip back, “Because, I Say So!”

Why is that a problem though? Why shouldn’t we just say “Because, I Say So!” and just get things done? It sure is efficient and haven’t parents used that for generations?

Research in the field of developmental psychology may have the answer. Psychologists classify parenting styles into 4 categories based on how controlling and demanding we are, and how much we focus on communication, responsiveness and nurturing.

Here is a simple picture illustrating the different parenting styles –

As positive parents, our goal is to nurture democratic families by being authoritative parents who partner with our kids to raise them to be happy, well-behaved and well-adjusted. According to researchers, while there is no universally “best” style of parenting, this style of parenting is better associated with raising competent kids who have positive behaviors and strong self-esteem.

Even when it may be uttered out of frustration or exasperation, the “Because I Say So!” response pushes us into the authoritarian parenting style – not only does this fray our relationship with our kids but could result in our kids ending up being fearful and anxious, less self-confident, and poor communicators.

So, what else can we say instead of “Because I Say So!”?

Here are a few alternate responses:

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Who is your children’s worst critic?

Would it surprise you to know it’s probably your children themselves?

Often the most incriminating things that our children hear come from the negative self-talk inside their own heads. And we can’t protect them from what we don’t hear, can we?

As it turns out, we can.

The key to helping our children break out of this habit is to teach them to see it, to own it, and to banish it from their world.

Here is a very simple and effective formula for doing just that, called the SOFT process:

See those negative thoughts for what they are

Observe the caller ID of the thoughts in your head

Flip the negative to the positive

Throw those mean words away

Let’s take a look in more detail.

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Isn’t it amazing that “I’m Sorry” is just two simple words, yet pack such an unbelievable punch?

They have the ability to mend a hurt just by dancing across our lips in a sincere manner.

Yet, those two little words are the most difficult words for us to utter at times.

I remember as a child I was invited to my best friend’s pool party. She also invited some other friends from school. I was a few years younger than her, so I felt a little out of place.

My friend got busy with her school friends, and I felt as though she had forgotten about me. She didn’t do much to make me feel included so eventually tempers boiled. One thing led to another, and we ended up in an argument.

I remember going home in tears that day because that was the first time I had ever felt such rejection by such a close friend.

This was the first big argument between us. We had never been so mad at each other before as to stop speaking. This argument was different. We didn’t speak for days after the incident. Neither of us knew how to apologize and take that first step towards reconciliation.

Eventually, I remember her calling and apologizing for me feeling excluded. It may have been days since we talked, but those two magic words – “I’m sorry” – brought so much peace to my young heart. I quickly jumped in with my own apology for the hurtful things I had said during our argument. And just like that, the world tilted back on to its axis again.

In the years since then, I have seen many relationships – from childhood friendships all the way to marriages – being mended and torn apart. Whatever the underlying cause for conflict, in most cases, the mending usually starts with those two simple yet powerful words – “I’m sorry” – said sincerely. And in cases where things fall apart, it is often due to the lack of courage to say or mean those words.

I want for my kids to be able to use the power of these words for mending. I want them to be able to sincerely say “I’m sorry” and fix a situation when it runs away from them.

At the same time though, I don’t want to force this lesson upon them. Most of the power behind “I’m sorry” comes from the sincerity with which it is said. Sincerity is something I can demonstrate but can’t force my children to feel.

So how can I teach my kids how to apologize sincerely?

Well, here is what I have learned through my experiences so far –

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Have you ever lost something or someone you love? Do you remember the sinking sensation that dealing with loss brings?

Horrible, isn’t it? For an instant the bottom falls out of your world. Depending on what or who you have lost, you may feel adrift for quite some time.

It is for our children as well. And in some ways, a whole lot worse.

Little people they may be, but loss brings with it some monumental emotions, even to them. It’s difficult enough to manage as an adult; can you imagine how hard it must be for kids?

What makes it worse is that, in their little, still-developing brains, they cannot quite see the difference between the loss of a favorite blankie, a pet, a best friend’s loyalty or their nana the previous year.

To them, they all feel equally monumental and overwhelming. And when the adults in their lives just don’t get it, this adds to the anxiety.

If you are reading this site, parenting positively though life’s little and big crises is probably one of your goals. Let’s take a look at what we can do to help our children through the maze of dealing with loss so they can grow into strong emotionally intelligent adults.

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