A calm-down corner (or area; it doesn’t have to be in a corner) is a place for angry and upset children to go to engage their minds and release their anger. I used this when my children were little in place of time-out because time-out didn’t work for my sensitive son. Here, I’ll show you how to make the perfect calm-down corner for your child that you can put together today and start to use right away.

The Purpose

Becoming and remaining calm during anger is an important skill for children to learn. When we are angry, something significant happens in our brains. We experience an “amygdala hijack” and the primitive part of our brain is activated.

This is the fight, flight, or freeze response.

When we are in our primitive brains, we have limited access to logic and reasoning. We are quick to react without thinking it through. We just aren’t able to think clearly. If you want a more scientific explanation of what happens to the brain when you’re angry, check this out.

The purpose of the calm-down corner is to get out of fight or flight and engage the thinking part of the brain again. Until the anger has subsided, a child can’t really learn the lessons we want to teach about why their behavior is unacceptable and what they should do instead. (The reason why time-out doesn’t work for many children is because it is perceived as a threat or causes further feelings of anger and fear which just keeps the child locked in their primitive brain!)
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It’s Monday morning and we have a case of the “Where’s my.”

Where’s my homework?

Where’s my soccer ball?

Where’s my library book?

Where’s my other sock?

And the answer, “Where you left it,” though satisfying to say, is not helpful.

Or so I’ve been told.

I am a firm believer that I, as the mom, should not be the one responsible for locating all my children’s things.  However, that hasn’t been the case.

Somehow, without me ever signing up for it, I became The Finder.

It wasn’t a big deal when the boys were younger. I was happy to be The Finder when they didn’t have as much to find and remember, but as the boys get older, that is changing. Rapidly.

Therefore, I have been inspired to take certain steps towards relinquishing my title as The Finder.

I am not alone in my quest to get my family organized and running smoothly. There is a reason The Container Store makes over $750 million each year and Marie Kondo’s 2014 book The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up was #1 on the New York Times bestseller list and has sold more than 3 million copies.

All of us fight to stay organized on a daily basis for many reasons.

Educators cite being organized as the key to academic success, especially in college.  Being organized not only leads to higher test scores, but it also results in more on time assignments and lower stress.

Being organized doesn’t only help stress levels in school. A disorganized home or office has also been found to contribute to increased stress levels. Chronically high levels of stress can lead to depression, fatigue, fights, and lower productivity.

Living in disorganized chaos can also lead to fractured home lives as well. People have admitted to researchers they will choose to work late to avoid going home and into an environment of chaos. And I, for one, have occasionally felt more than a little resentful towards my family when I think I am alone in the struggle to keep the household and its members organized.

I am not doing my family or myself any favors by being The Finder and sorting through the jumbles of assignments, due dates, and appointments and making everything ready for the morning. My children need to learn how to be organized themselves.

Not just so they make it out the door to school in time, but so they can succeed throughout their lives.

So, how do I get my children to be organized?

Here are 4 things you can do to raise an organized child.

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“Mommy, why won’t Ed and Danny let me play with them?”

My son had tears in his eyes, the pain of rejection apparent in every little furrow on his brow, in every quiver of his bottom lip.

I narrowed my eyes, whipped out my ‘Cape-of-Protection’, assumed my superhero stance and was ready to step in. My heart was breaking for him – we all know the hurt of social exclusion. That sinking sensation of being left out. I desperately wanted to shield him from it.

Then I stopped.

And I reminded myself that I won’t be at his side every time he experiences rejection and social exclusion. My role as parent is to help prepare him for when it happens, not solve his problem for him.

I packed my Cape away, and put on my Thinking Cap.

Here’s what I came up with as an action plan…

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I hate homework day.

Five minutes into my daughter starting it, she’s asked 4 irrelevant questions and walked across the room twice – for no reason.

She had a break when she first got in from school, and had a snack. Then we agreed to a little outside time before starting homework.

She’s got the book open and a pencil in her hand, but that’s the sum total of her achievement so far.

Her mind doesn’t seem to want to sit still – preferring to bounce all around the place. It’s like her mind is a magnet, and when it’s put near homework, it repels away from it.

When she was 5, I thought she would grow out of it; but at 8 years old I was beginning to worry.

As someone who likes to get in and get things done, it drives me nuts.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter dearly. But the way she gets distracted every 5 minutes during homework time is enough to make anyone go crazy.

She’s highly intelligent, has loads of positive energy and is warm and engaging. She can focus long and hard on anything she is interested in. But getting her to focus on homework she isn’t keen on? Damn near impossible.

I just couldn’t sustain parenting positively unless I got this under control. I wanted to take some action.

At one point when her distraction was driving me nuts, I had started to wonder if I should get her tested for attention deficit disorder (ADD). My research on this topic led me to discover some behavioral techniques used with ADD kids, that are also applicable to any child having difficulty focusing.

I decided to try them for teaching my daughter how to focus on homework. Some worked better than others but overall it has been a great success. Here are the ones that worked for us –

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“Jacob! Come here, please!”

A few minutes pass…

“Jacob! I need you to come here, please!”

A few more minutes pass… and your patience begins to fade.

“Jacob! I said for you to come here!”

Jacob finally comes out of his room and graces you with his presence. Instead of greeting you with a pleasant, “What’s up, Mom?” you get a, “What, Mom?” In an extremely sullen tone.

Your blood begins to boil! You realize these annoyed tones and snide remarks are becoming the new normal in your relationship.

You begin to ask yourself, “What have I done to him that makes him want to treat me this way?”

A simple answer is you have done nothing in this particular moment.

A more detailed answer is your child is angry. He or she may not even know why they are so angry. They are just angry.

That is where you come in. As an adult, you have to recognize and name the problem. ‘Name it to tame it’ as they say.

And in this particular case, the problem’s name is Passive Aggressive Behavior.

According to Wikipedia:

Passive-aggressive behavior is the indirect expression of hostility, such as through procrastination, stubbornness, sullen behavior, or deliberate or repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible.

Your child does not have to fall victim to this nasty little habit of showing passive aggressive behavior. They can cope and understand what is going on within themselves. They can learn to express what is going on inside of them. And grow up to be mature and emotionally intelligent adults… with your help!

Here is how you help your child give passive aggressive behavior the boot!

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