I hate homework day.

Five minutes into my daughter starting it, she’s asked 4 irrelevant questions and walked across the room twice – for no reason.

She had a break when she first got in from school, and had a snack. Then we agreed to a little outside time before starting homework.

She’s got the book open and a pencil in her hand, but that’s the sum total of her achievement so far.

Her mind doesn’t seem to want to sit still – preferring to bounce all around the place. It’s like her mind is a magnet, and when it’s put near homework, it repels away from it.

When she was 5, I thought she would grow out of it; but at 8 years old I was beginning to worry.

As someone who likes to get in and get things done, it drives me nuts.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter dearly. But the way she gets distracted every 5 minutes during homework time is enough to make anyone go crazy.

She’s highly intelligent, has loads of positive energy and is warm and engaging. She can focus long and hard on anything she is interested in. But getting her to focus on homework she isn’t keen on? Damn near impossible.

I just couldn’t sustain parenting positively unless I got this under control. I wanted to take some action.

At one point when her distraction was driving me nuts, I had started to wonder if I should get her tested for attention deficit disorder (ADD). My research on this topic led me to discover some behavioral techniques used with ADD kids, that are also applicable to any child having difficulty focusing.

I decided to try them for teaching my daughter how to focus on homework. Some worked better than others but overall it has been a great success. Here are the ones that worked for us –

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“Jacob! Come here, please!”

A few minutes pass…

“Jacob! I need you to come here, please!”

A few more minutes pass… and your patience begins to fade.

“Jacob! I said for you to come here!”

Jacob finally comes out of his room and graces you with his presence. Instead of greeting you with a pleasant, “What’s up, Mom?” you get a, “What, Mom?” In an extremely sullen tone.

Your blood begins to boil! You realize these annoyed tones and snide remarks are becoming the new normal in your relationship.

You begin to ask yourself, “What have I done to him that makes him want to treat me this way?”

A simple answer is you have done nothing in this particular moment.

A more detailed answer is your child is angry. He or she may not even know why they are so angry. They are just angry.

That is where you come in. As an adult, you have to recognize and name the problem. ‘Name it to tame it’ as they say.

And in this particular case, the problem’s name is Passive Aggressive Behavior.

According to Wikipedia:

Passive-aggressive behavior is the indirect expression of hostility, such as through procrastination, stubbornness, sullen behavior, or deliberate or repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible.

Your child does not have to fall victim to this nasty little habit of showing passive aggressive behavior. They can cope and understand what is going on within themselves. They can learn to express what is going on inside of them. And grow up to be mature and emotionally intelligent adults… with your help!

Here is how you help your child give passive aggressive behavior the boot!

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“But Moooom! Whyyy?”

“Because, I Say So!!”

How easily those four words roll off our tongues when our children meet us with whining and repeated demands.

But is it a good idea to keep resorting to them?

I am a mom of three boys. One of their biggest questions is, “Mom, can we go to Nana’s?”

We live right across the street from her so they run back and forth constantly! They love to go see their grandmother, but I also know that they love to go have the run of her TV; they love to get out of doing their daily chores; and they love all of the sweet treats that Nana gives them every time they walk through her door.

So by the zillionth time in a day they ask me, “Mom, can we go to Nana’s?” and they have heard, “Not right now” they naturally reply with, “But, whyyyyyy?” (Drawn out with a dramatic plea.)

By now I’m at my wit’s end. And I’m quick to quip back, “Because, I Say So!”

Why is that a problem though? Why shouldn’t we just say “Because, I Say So!” and just get things done? It sure is efficient and haven’t parents used that for generations?

Research in the field of developmental psychology may have the answer. Psychologists classify parenting styles into 4 categories based on how controlling and demanding we are, and how much we focus on communication, responsiveness and nurturing.

Here is a simple picture illustrating the different parenting styles –

As positive parents, our goal is to nurture democratic families by being authoritative parents who partner with our kids to raise them to be happy, well-behaved and well-adjusted. According to researchers, while there is no universally “best” style of parenting, this style of parenting is better associated with raising competent kids who have positive behaviors and strong self-esteem.

Even when it may be uttered out of frustration or exasperation, the “Because I Say So!” response pushes us into the authoritarian parenting style – not only does this fray our relationship with our kids but could result in our kids ending up being fearful and anxious, less self-confident, and poor communicators.

So, what else can we say instead of “Because I Say So!”?

Here are a few alternate responses:

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Who is your children’s worst critic?

Would it surprise you to know it’s probably your children themselves?

Often the most incriminating things that our children hear come from the negative self-talk inside their own heads. And we can’t protect them from what we don’t hear, can we?

As it turns out, we can.

The key to helping our children break out of this habit is to teach them to see it, to own it, and to banish it from their world.

Here is a very simple and effective formula for doing just that, called the SOFT process:

See those negative thoughts for what they are

Observe the caller ID of the thoughts in your head

Flip the negative to the positive

Throw those mean words away

Let’s take a look in more detail.

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