When I was a kid, summer was freedom.

My family occasionally took a vacation to some nearby destination, like San Diego or Pismo Beach, but for the most part, we were left to our own devices, told to “just go play” or take a dip in the backyard pool.

We raced each other into the house, our hair waterlogged and our skin bronzed or maybe a little burned. We dropped our towels on the floor and stood with arms spread wide in front of the swamp cooler until our goose-bumped bodies could take no more.

My brother and I weren’t “free-range” children, by any means, but we were carefree and even a little bored every now and then.

There were homemade popsicles and unprofitable lemonade stands; there was digging for rocks in the bottom of the creek bed; there was riding the tire swing like there was nothing more important in the world.

And, in truth, there wasn’t.

Summer revolved around the most unimportant things imaginable, but they were everything to us. What made my childhood summers so memorable was that they truly felt like time off from the real world, like a vacation not only from school but also a reprieve from constant activities and the watchful eye of my parents.

When I had my own kids, I tried to replicate that feeling of freedom that comes with warm weather and no homework, but I wasn’t terribly successful.

I organized playdates and arranged to meet friends at the public pool—but only on Fridays because the other days of the week the kids attended music class or science camp. I greased up my three girls with sunscreen and watched them play in the sandbox for thirty minutes—but then remembered they had ballet or karate or swim lessons. Playtime was over.

As a modern-day mom, this was “freedom” for my kids: I provided them with minuscule pockets of playtime, but I master-minded nearly every moment. We were all exhausted by the time school started in August.

So, as modern parents who have a lot to juggle and multi-task, how can we strike a balance between the nonchalant “just-be-home-for-dinner” attitude many of our own parents employed and the micro-management some of us tend toward now? And if our kids are so used to our over-parenting, how can we raise an independent child that can enjoy a summer of creativity and curiosity, without them whining “I’m bored” all the time?

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At a recent youth retreat my 12-year-old nephew, Joey, was called up on stage along with four other preteens. Each participant had a box of tissues set in front of them. They were told, “at the word GO your challenge is to be the first person to remove all the tissues from the box. The winner will receive a large box of candy.”

At Go, four of the middle schoolers began to frantically remove the tissues from the box, one at a time. Joey, looking puzzled, watched his frenzied competitors for a moment, picked up his box, ripped off the top and pulled all the tissues out at once. Done!

When I asked him later how he came up with that idea he said, “It was the fastest way to get them out of the box.”

Critical thinking – being able to look at a problem, analyze it, and come up with a creative and effective solution – is one of the most important skills our children can learn. Critical and creative thinking skills help us make good decisions and solve problems. Those children with good critical thinking skills will be more successful as adults.

Joey saw the problem, thought outside the box, and emptied his box to receive his reward.  So how do we raise kids who think like this? How do we raise kids who can look at a situation and come up with creative and alternative ways to address it?

Here are 3 easy ways you can encourage critical and creative problem solving in your own kids.

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“AAAAAAAAARRRRR!” She roars.

It is her tenth attempt to hit the stupid little white ball into the stupid little hole with the stupid mini-golf club.

And then – wham! – she slams the golf club into the fake turf … and – whoosh! – she throws the golf club into the shrubs. Everyone watches in horror. She stomps off.

This wasn’t the first time and it won’t be the last.

Do you have a child who has trouble managing frustration? Please take comfort in knowing you’re not alone. Many kids (and adults, for that matter) have trouble with frustration, disappointment, and facing challenges.

Before I continue, I want to let you know I understand how it feels to be that child; the one who’s deeply frustrated and acts out. I understand, because I sheepishly admit that I was the girl up there.

I was the one who threw mini-golf clubs.

I had a terrible time managing my emotions when things were hard for me. When the going got tough, I got going – literally.

I would bail in all sorts of ways: I’d fake tummy-aches or “accidentally” fall in races I thought I wouldn’t win. I would quit the card game and stop trying my best any time I could smell failure approaching.

I bailed a lot as a kid because I lacked a way to help myself through challenges, see my way over hurdles, and get myself to the finish line no matter what.

In short, I lacked what we call in today’s parenting lingo “grit” and “resilience.”

When I became a mom, one of my big goals was to raise my children to be NOT like me in this regard. I had my work cut out for me, because as the wise Brené Brown, author of The Gifts of Imperfection, says, “We cannot give our children what we do not have ourselves.”

So, in pursuing my goal to raise gritty and resilient kids, I had to learn what those things meant, then learn to do it for myself, and simultaneously teach it to my children.

I learned some super-valuable things along the way and I’d like to share them with you here. My hope is to help you create an environment in which you and your children can truly thrive.
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When my youngest was two he suddenly became obsessed with Halloween.

I’m sure a lot of my own enthusiasm for the holiday had something to do with it. As an American living in the U.K., I wanted my children to experience my favorite holiday. So, I threw a big party.

This became an annual tradition and it grew. Soon, I was renting the local village hall and inviting all thirty of my eldest son’s classmates. My youngest loved the scary characters, crafts, songs, and costumes, but his Halloween fixation continued long after Halloween.

As December approached I couldn’t interest him in Santa or snowmen or anything else having to do with Christmas. He wanted me to read him Halloween stories and he demanded Halloween songs at bedtime. I only knew two Halloween songs and I was getting fed up with them.

I soon started adapting classic songs to give them a Halloween twist. “How Much is that Doggy in the Window?” became “How Much is that Vampire in the Window?” My father-in-law came up with “99 Scary Monsters on the Wall” in lieu of “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall”. That quickly became a favorite.

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“Noooo!”

His high-pitched shout echoed down the hall.

“Buddy, please just go put on your shoes. I don’t want to ask you again.”

“I don’t want to!”

I sighed loudly as I braced myself for yet another showdown.

My five-year-old had been pushing all my buttons for weeks. He was cranky and would balk at the simplest requests. The sass had reached an all-time high.

On top of that, he was incredibly needy even though we were spending almost every day together.

I was at my wits end, and I felt like our relationship was really struggling. It was one of those seasons in parenting when I was at a complete loss for what to do next, even though I knew something had to change.

Ever been there?

If you have, you know it’s not a fun place to be.

It was during this time of desperately searching for some solution, when a parenting webinar led me to the work of Dr. Laura Markham and her book, Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting.

The title immediately caught my eye. I longed for a peace-filled home, and of course I wanted happy kids. What parent doesn’t?

Sheer frustration had me yelling way more than I ever imagined I would, and I knew the connection with my son was suffering greatly as a result. This book couldn’t arrive fast enough!

I dove right in, and when I read the section about spending special time with kids, a light bulb went off.

I realized although my son was around me for a significant part of each day, we often weren’t spending quality one-on-one time together. With his little brother to care for, along with the general busyness of life, I just wasn’t paying enough attention to him. (It pains me to say that aloud.)

His neediness that, at times, was downright exhausting was a clue. His defiance and cranky attitude? Also clues. I was not giving him the connection time that he needed.

I didn’t know if having special time with my son was going to bring harmony back to our relationship, but I was eager to give it a shot.

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