Can you imagine how simple life would be if your children just did what you asked of them, when you asked it?

Better yet, what if they would do things they are supposed to even before you had to ask them?

No argument.

No battle-of-wills.

Wouldn’t it be nice?

Before I discovered the joys of positive parenting, I wouldn’t have believed this was even possible.

Back then, I couldn’t even figure out how to get kids to listen to me, let alone get them to do what they were asked. Even simple requests for a specific action or a change of behavior from my kids could oh-so-easily escalate into monster power struggles.

And frankly, it was wearing me out.

Here are just four of many simple requests I can recall that got totally out of control – I’m sure they will sound familiar in various ways:

Me: Can you please bring your cup through to the kitchen?
My Daughter: In a minute Mom … (and she is lost in the TV program again)

Me:  Kicking your sister is not okay.
(Cue defiant stare and a sneaky swift kick to his sister’s ankle.)

Me: Time to clean up kids, could you please put the coloring things away?
My Daughter: Why should I? They’re not all mine!

Me: We don’t play with the knobs on the cooker, it’s dangerous.
(30 seconds later little fingers have fiddled again.)

Each time, my hackles rose, my inner power-switch flipped to ‘On’. I’m in charge here right? I would assert my authority (via a raised voice, angry stare, threats of time out, and so on).

And I would eventually ‘win’.

But when we were done and the tears had dried, I would feel wretched inside. And my weary brain would crave relief, and I would wonder – Is it bedtime yet?

It was a hollow victory.

My kids were sad. I was sad.

Sure, they jangle my nerves sometimes, but most of the time, they are fun, loving and amazing kids. I didn’t want to spend their entire childhood looking forward to bedtime. I wanted to spend time with them and enjoy it.

So I got to thinking – is there some other way to get them to listen to me and do as they are asked without all this stress and drama?

Thankfully, there is. And it works, too!

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Everybody loves a defiant child, right?

Riiiiiight….

We love to be verbally abused and ignored. We love to be at our wits end, feeling as though we have to be bigger, stronger, louder to get our point across. We loooooove using intimidation and bribes as we work to coerce a child into cooperation and obedience.

Except that we don’t. Present, loving parents don’t enjoy those tactics. We feel as though we have failed our kids, as though we are fail-ing as parents. We feel as though we have lost the battle.

And to be honest, when we go to those places of threats and bribes, we have lost. We have lost our way and for sure have stepped off the path of present, positive parenting.

But what are we supposed to do with these kids???

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That knot in the pit of your stomach?

That hand squeezing your chest?

That voice telling you this is all going to go horribly wrong?

That is anxiety, my friends.

It’s hard enough to deal with that feeling of dread and worry in myself, but it is heart breaking when my kids look up at me with big blue eyes full of worry and tears and tell me, “I just can’t do it, Mommy.”

Both of my boys have struggled with anxiety. My oldest was bullied in 2^nd grade. The constant verbal assaults on him resulted in stomachaches, headaches, begging to be homeschooled, not sleeping, and going to the bathroom every 30 minutes. All are on the menu of classic symptoms of acute anxiety.

My youngest just seems to be a worrier. About once a week he comes out with some new thing to worry about. Currently his greatest worry is that he won’t make enough money from his art to support himself.  He is 6.

My kids aren’t alone in being anxious worriers. Every child experiences some anxiety. Before tests. At concert performances. The first day at a new school.

Anxiety and nervousness are normal as long as it doesn’t get in the way of their everyday lives. Once that happens it’s time to seek some professional support.

So, if your child is a worrier who does not need professional intervention, how can you help them process through these moments of chest-tightening, stomach-churning worry and learn to lead a calmer, happier life?

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What would you do to make your child happy?

Quite a lot, no doubt.

But are you doing too much?

I know I am.

Not just in material terms, but in running after them, too. And I see that it makes my children happy. But I also see that in other ways it is inhibiting their growth as individuals.

My son is a natural giver. My daughter, more of a taker. No problem in itself–the world has space for all types of personality. It works on balance.

But the more I give, the more she expects. She is starting to feel a sense of entitlement. I see this on some occasions when I do say ‘No’. She looks confused, affronted almost.

And that’s partially my fault. Nature and nurture are coming together here to create the perfect storm.

Of course, there are some things my children are absolutely entitled to – My unconditional love. Nurturing. Respect. Food. Clothes. Shelter. A safe and happy home.

They deserve all of these things and more. I want them to know that they matter. That their contribution to the world matters.

The tricky part is learning where to draw the line between giving enough and giving too much.

I want my children to understand that the things they are entitled to are merely the foundation of their world. That as they grow, they have a responsibility to themselves and to others to give as well as take from life.

If they grow up with a sense of entitlement, thinking the world owes them something, then I’m not doing my job well. I’m not preparing them to take their place in life as a responsible, caring individual. And I’m holding them back from being the strong, capable, independent adults they deserve to be.

The entitlement trap is easy to fall into – we all want to make our kids happy. But by making a few simple changes to the way we coach them to conduct themselves in the world can make all the difference and keep the sense of entitlement at bay.

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Good game, high-5; Good game, high-5; Good game, high-5; Good game, high-5…

At 8 years old, being a good sport was about hiding your disappointment when you lost and not bragging too much when you won. It was exhibited in a line of little girls delivering hand-slaps and “good games” before running to the coolers behind the bench to claim grape sodas.

As I got older, sportsmanship became about more than losing a game without throwing a temper tantrum. It became about handling yourself, on and off the field, with style and dignity no matter what the outcome.

Now I’m a parent with a super-competitive child and sportsmanship has never been more important.

My oldest has always been highly competitive. He needs to win. He must be first. Otherwise, he can get very frustrated. He has always been this way. In pre-school he used to bolt down as much food as he could and then say he was full, even though he had half his lunch left, so that he could be first to the washing up station.

This is terribly ironic considering that from the minute we decided to have children my husband and I were determined to raise our children to be non-competitive good sports.

None of this “Second place is the first loser,” or “Winning isn’t everything; it’s the only thing,” mentality for us. We emphasized fun over winning, asking him “Did you have fun?” before we asked anything else.

Yet here we are with a 10-year-old who will do anything to win – including cheat – and cries like his heart is broken when he loses.

Nature vs. Nurture. The struggle is real, y’all.

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