Isn’t it amazing how you turn out to be exactly the kind of parent you swore you would never become?

Before I had kids, I was pretty sure I wouldn’t ever be a hovering Helicopter Parent. After all, I had grown up running free on my family farm with my brother and cousins, coming home only for lunch and dinner.

But somewhere along the way the wires between trying to be a supportive, positive parent and a hovering, helicopter parent got crossed.

Before I knew it, I’d got a job at the preschool my children attended just so I could keep an eye on them. My son’s teacher started to avoid me at school pick-up because I would “chat” and subtly ask for a progress report or suggestions about what else we could do at home to help him reach his full potential.

Heck, my helicoptering tendencies had sneaked into even the most mundane aspects of our everyday life. At one point, I had a 20 minute safety routine just so the kids could play in the yard.  Complete with sunhats, sunscreen, locking the gates to the fenced (of course) backyard, and putting out three reflective cones into the cul-de-sac so cars would know to drive slowly lest one of the children figure out how to undo the lock and make a break for freedom.

And then I followed 2 feet behind them for the entire 15 minutes we were outdoors.

Sounds a bit familiar? Nobody sets out to be a helicopter parent. But, it kind of creeps on you, doesn’t it? Here are 10 more signs.

You Might Be a Helicopter Parent if…

[Read more…]

Right now, your child trusts you. You are the source of all good things. She knows if she hurts herself or is hungry or needs information, she can ask you for help.

But how can you make sure your young child grows into someone who will continue to come to you when life gets seriously difficult?

In the middle of a divorce and losing my job, the last people I wanted to speak with were my parents. They are the people who care for me more than anyone else in the world and who would probably give their lives to save mine. And yet, my parents were unavailable to me simply because I was afraid of their judgment and harsh criticism.

These are people who love me and support me and care about me and want me to be successful and happy. But I just couldn’t bring myself to talk to them.

It was too risky. I was terrified of the inevitable reprisals, repercussions and emotional damage that I believed would result from honest communication with the people responsible for my very life.

Mine wasn’t an unusual predicament. Consider the following:

• a young man agonizing over a career decision; he just can’t figure things out
• a rejected teen hurting so badly she can’t imagine ever being happy again; she seriously contemplates hurting herself
• a young woman being harassed in school; she has no one to talk to about her fears
• a furious, confused young man; he just bought an illegal handgun

Why can’t these people confide in their parent or caregiver?

One of the most puzzling things to me as a parent reading Harry Potter series to my children was this: “WHY doesn’t he ask an adult for help?!”

The characters would find themselves in dangerous, frightening or difficult situations that could be easily resolved with a word or suggestion or small act by an adult in the child’s life, but they never asked for help.

Perhaps one reason that series is so popular was that it accurately portrays a universal childhood problem. Many adolescents and young people say they cannot talk to their parents. They believe there is no adult in their life that will listen or understand.

It’s tragic, isn’t it?

Parents, the people who love their children more than anyone in the world, are not available when their children really need help.

Recently, in a Humans of New York Post, a young woman said she loved her parents but had to lie to them a lot because they were conservative Christians. She believes their beliefs prevent honest communication.

Shuddering, I remembered the following conversation I recently overheard in a doctor’s office. The child was a young girl, about thirteen, and her mother was talking to her while working on her mobile phone.

Child: I don’t know what to do about Michael.

Mom: What do you mean? He’s such a nice boy, I’m so glad you are spending time together. His parents are very active in church; I just love them.

Child: I love him too, and he says he “wants” me.

Mom: Well, he’s a good boy and you’re a good girl. You know better than to get yourself into trouble. Remember what happened to that awful Christine? I heard she is having the baby. Trashy girl, trashy family. I can’t believe you were ever friends.

Child: Yeah. Sure. Of course.

The girl stopped talking. Her mother, still working on her phone, didn’t see the grim expression on her daughter’s face. It was heartbreaking. The mother had no idea how badly her well-meant words were received. The child was certain her mother wasn’t going to be of any use to her.

Both were missing a wonderful opportunity to communicate.

[Read more…]

Does this sound familiar?

As they grow, you want your kids to feel great about their body, take pride in their appearance, and enjoy healthy self-esteem.

But you feel overwhelmed.

You feel overwhelmed because you don’t know how to help your child develop a positive body image when you’ve never quite mastered it yourself. You don’t know how to help them grow self-esteem when society is doing its damnedest to ensure otherwise.

So, you feel powerless. And you don’t know where to begin.

And it gets worse.

Because deep down, you believe your own fears about your body are true.

You believe you are in fact too large, too tall, too saggy, or any other number of meaningless ‘too’s’. You believe, as you have for a very long time, that your body should be better.

So, you put the issue of your child’s body image to one side.

You sit back, continue to think badly about your own body, and hope like hell it doesn’t rub off on your child. Sure, you make every effort to tell them they’re beautiful, but you can’t quite believe the same thing of yourself.

The trouble is, while you sit back, others are eager to take up the slack.

Televisions shout, billboards scream, and peers rudely whisper, until your precious child finally internalizes the message – “You are not good enough.”

If this sounds familiar, take a deep breath.

The truth is you have far more power to boost your child’s body image than you may think.
[Read more…]

You’re a positive parent or working on becoming one.

You’re proud of the choice you’ve made. It feels instinctive. Natural.

And your child is thriving. He trusts you. You’re building a strong connection. You expect your child to grow into a happy, confident and independent adult.

But just when you are getting comfortable in your role as a positive parent, your mother-in-law says you’re too soft.  She hints (or maybe even tells you openly) you need to “discipline” your child more.

Perhaps you’ve also heard friends make comments about parenting styles and you wonder if they’re really criticizing you.

— He’ll never learn to self-soothe if you don’t let him cry.

— He’s overly attached to you.

— She’s upset, quick, distract her!

— You need to show him who’s in charge!

Western society expects a parenting approach centered on adult’s wants rather than children’s needs. Punishments, time-outs, threats and rewards have become normal tools in the parenting toolbox.

So, when you’re swimming against the tide of conventional parenting how do you defend your choices?

How do you silence the critics?

How do you stay the course when everyone seems bent on dragging you into the world where parenting is synonymous with discipline based on control and obedience?

I wondered the same.

So, I delved into the science and psychology of positive parenting. Want to know what I found out?

[Read more…]

Does it make you nervous that your children will ask many different questions about sex, and those questions will only get more specific as they get older?

Many parents think giving vague answers, or perhaps changing the subject and offering the questioning child a cookie, is a valid solution.

But really, we moms and dads have to up our game.

We must be prepared with thoughtful and honest answers so our kids continue coming to us… rather than looking for answers online, on bathroom walls or whispered conversations with equally clueless peers.

I’ve been through these different phases of questioning and can tell you there’s a way to get your kids from elementary school through high school without diseases or pregnancies.

If Your Child Is In Elementary School…

[Read more…]