Search Results for: What is

Let’s be honest: children sometimes suck at being patient.

I know mine do.

Unfortunately, their lack of patience and self-control can become contagious to us adults, too. I admit that I’m prone to snapping, “Just wait a minute!” when my kids are screaming because I take too long to cut their grapes.

And before I know it, it becomes this vicious cycle—my children’s impatience makes me impatient, which in turn makes them more impatient, until it spirals out of control.

I know I can’t indulge them when they whine instead of waiting quietly – like all parents, I do believe in teaching kids about self-control and delayed gratification.

But, the way I sometimes go about it isn’t quite right.

Instead of expecting 2- and 3-year-olds to magically acquire self-control skills overnight (that would be cool though, wouldn’t it?), I need to model and teach these skills to them.

Marshmallow Test: The Famous Study in Self-Control and Delayed Gratification

Psychologists have studied why some kids seem to excel at demonstrating self-control and delaying gratification, while others struggle for long time now. Have you heard of the famous “marshmallow test” conducted by Walter Mischel and a team of researchers at Stanford University in the late 1960’s and early 1970’s?

One by one, 4-year-old children were presented with a marshmallow and informed that they could either eat a marshmallow now, or wait 15 minutes and receive two marshmallows. Some children gobbled the marshmallow immediately, while others managed to wait the full 15 minutes and receive the reward of a second marshmallow.

[Note from Sumitha: Here is a video of the marshmallow test in action. It’s not from the original study, but captures the kids reactions sooooo well.]

The researchers continued to follow up with the children for the next several decades. They found that the 4-year-olds who had successfully waited for 15 minutes differed in significant ways from the children who couldn’t wait. Over the years, the children who had “passed” the marshmallow test developed the following characteristics:

• better emotional coping skills
• higher rates of educational attainment
• higher SAT scores
• lower BMI
• lower divorce rates
• lower rates of addiction

So, is the lesson that some people are born with better self-control, and that this trait determines their entire life trajectory?

Far from it.

[Read more…]

How can I protect my child from life’s hurts?

Will my child be bullied?

Will my child stand up to peer pressure?

How can I prepare my child for the challenges in the world?

If you’re like me, these are the nagging questions that seem to always be present. Some days these questions are quiet and just sit idle in the back of our minds. Like white noise that we are able to drown out with hugs and snuggles. Other days these worries are front and center in our minds screaming at us for answers, solutions, and comfort.

As a parent I have realized that I CANNOT protect my children from everything, but I CAN equip my children with the tools to protect themselves. Over the past 10-years as a licensed mental health therapist working with children, adults, and families I have learned that the best thing we can do for our kids is to build in them a healthy self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem is the greatest protection against life’s uncertainties. Fredrick Douglas once said; “It’s easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” A child that is taught how to nurture their self-esteem is then equipped with the most powerful tools to overcome all of life’s challenges.

What is Healthy Self-Esteem?

Before we can build healthy self-esteem in our children we have to understand the true definition of healthy self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem is when a person knows that they are worthy simply because they exist. You are worthy of love, respect, appreciation, and joy. Your worth as a human being is not defined by others or by externals such as money, status, etc.

Healthy self-esteem is knowing that you are enough. It is also knowing that everyone else is enough. No person is more OR less worthy than another. We are all equally worthy.

Having a foundation of healthy self-esteem is knowing that even though you may not be the best at something, it does not make you less worthy. It does not make you less of a person. Just as being the best at something does not make you better than others and does not make you more worthy.

We all have gifts, talents, and strengths we are born with. It is acknowledging and accepting your strengths AND your weaknesses and being at peace with who you are and knowing that your worth as a human being is not dependent on any outside factors.

Right about now you might be thinking; “Wait, so this chick is telling me that my worth as a person is not based on being nice, smart, giving, pretty, etc. That I don’t have to make good choices, wear trendy clothes, or get the big promotion at work in order to increase my self-esteem.”

[Read more…]

“YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!!!!” 

The scream echoes through the house. As does the slam of the bedroom door.

Have you been there?

It’s an all too familiar family scene. It’s after dinner, homework isn’t even close to being done, and a mild reminder about finishing up a book report has turned into WWIII.

My husband and I look at each other. I have steam coming out of my ears. He looks as if he’s witnessed a car crash.

“I just wish he’d listen to me!” I fume as we straighten the pictures on the walls sent rocking by the shockwaves.

Meanwhile, my son sulks in his room. “I just wish you guys would listen to me!” he vents.

But I AM listening!

Then again, am I really? 

While I was in grad school where I was getting my master’s degree in organization development, I learned that not all listening is created equal. As an organization development (OD) consultant, we practice something called “active listening” as a means to help clients analyze their issues and brainstorm solutions.

I never suspected it then, but I was also learning how to be a more effective parent.

Active listening is a way of fully hearing what the other person is saying. Not just assuming we know what they’re going to say after hearing the first two words and then spending the rest of the time they are talking preparing a perfect response. Instead, active listening focuses on dropping assumptions and working to understand the feelings, motives, and views of the other person.

We don’t quite realize it, but a lot of the time, we as parents, don’t listen actively at all.

How often have you just heard a few words from your kids and jumped in to correct them or offer solutions? How often have you lost patience while kids fumbled to put their complex thoughts and emotions into coherent sentences? How often do you just take a look at the situation and know what needs to be done, without even giving your kids a chance to explain?

Yeah, when I viewed my conversation with my son that evening through the lens of what my professor had told me about active listening, I was quite ashamed.

It was time to try something different.

[Read more…]

Aren’t you amazed at how seemingly random things can send our kids into a complete emotional meltdown?

It doesn’t matter whether the child is 4 or 14.

In the moments before a meltdown it’s the face scrunching that gives it away.

As body language goes it’s all out there, up front and very personal. A clear signal that your child is very sad and needs your help to cope with the rush of unbearable feelings.

But in the heat of the meltdown, emotions run high. For us parents too. So what’s the best way to cool down the situation without clamping down the emotions?

My four-year-old son became distraught last weekend because his big sister had a bag to carry to the park, and he didn’t.

His suffering was palpable. The emotions vivid on his face. His little body tense with distress.

It took a lot of self-control to suppress my own mounting discomfort at his obvious upset over something so trivial from a grown-up perspective. With effort I remained calm, held him close and loved him through the moment.

We found another bag.

He was fine.

And yet, he wasn’t.

[Read more…]