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Can you think of the most negative person that you know?

Most likely you can, and the emotions that you’ll experience as you think of them are not pretty.

The relationships that we have with negative people are often complicated and tense. The closer they are in our lives the more difficult our lives become as our desire to be free from negativity becomes entangled with our desire to be close to the one’s that we love.

In my case, the most negative person in my life was my mom.

I still remember the day like it was yesterday. I was 17 years old, excitedly hitting the load and reload button on my laptop. I was too impatient to wait until morning, and so I stayed up late in anticipation for my final grades of my final semester of high school.

Eventually, my grades loaded, and I excitedly read over the marks in each of my classes. Almost all my marks were A’s, except for Chemistry, which was a C+. Knowing that this grade didn’t affect my college application eased my feelings towards these particular results, and so I eagerly ran to tell my mom the good news.

I showed her my marks, letting her know how happy I was to receive mostly A’s for all of my hard work and effort. She sat, silent, barely nodding at me as she read her book. “Mom, Mom, I got all A’s. Well, except for one C+, but that doesn’t count,” I explained hurriedly.

Immediately my mom’s head shot up from her book. “You got a C+? Well, that isn’t very good,” were her first words of our conversation.

And just like that…

All my pride and excitement were instantly deflated. I had failed to make my mother proud, once again. Her simple comment uttered without a second thought created a thick veil of shame around me, one I had been familiar with my entire childhood.

If you are on this site, it’s probably because you want to embrace positivity for yourself and for your family. But, if you’ve experienced negativity in your past, no matter how big or small, you will need to make peace with it before you can move forward on your journey of positive parenting.

It is possible to find healing from the many wounds experienced by adult children who have complicated relationships with their parents.

One of the many benefits of journeying through the pain of your past is that you can finally take control of your future. You can become a parent that effectively disciplines, uses your words in a powerfully positive way for your children, while teaching your children about the importance of building character in their lives.

But how?

Dr. Laura Markham, the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, a book that has helped me immensely in my own healing process says:

Positive parenting – sometimes called positive discipline, gentle guidance or loving guidance – is simply guidance that keeps our child on the right path, offered in a positive way that resists any temptation to be punitive. Studies show that’s what helps kids learn consideration and responsibility and makes for happier kids and parents.

Positive parenting teaches our children through respect and compassion that they are valued, regardless of their actions. Positive parenting does not shame, blame, punish, or criticize. Positive parenting does not expect of us perfection, but rather a teachable spirit, for both parent and child. Positive discipline guides children towards the right behavior, not through punishment, but by taking the disobedient behavior as a teachable moment.

If you’re like me, you might be reading this with stars in your eyes.

Positive parenting deserves a place amongst furry pink rabbits and sparkly unicorns.

This can’t be real life, can it?

If all you know of parenting is criticism, shame and fear, then moving past those experiences into positive parenting can feel impossible.

I’ve had those thoughts too. I’d once heard:

A mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.
– Oliver Holmes

That has definitely been true in my case. Ever since I found out about positive parenting, I just can’t leave the idea behind. I just can’t go back to parenting in the same critical, punitive way that I was raised.

It can seem quite challenging to make peace with your past and move on to being a positive parent. But it can be done.

Here are 7 steps that helped me in this journey –
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Isn’t it amazing how you turn out to be exactly the kind of parent you swore you would never become?

Before I had kids, I was pretty sure I wouldn’t ever be a hovering Helicopter Parent. After all, I had grown up running free on my family farm with my brother and cousins, coming home only for lunch and dinner.

But somewhere along the way the wires between trying to be a supportive, positive parent and a hovering, helicopter parent got crossed.

Before I knew it, I’d got a job at the preschool my children attended just so I could keep an eye on them. My son’s teacher started to avoid me at school pick-up because I would “chat” and subtly ask for a progress report or suggestions about what else we could do at home to help him reach his full potential.

Heck, my helicoptering tendencies had sneaked into even the most mundane aspects of our everyday life. At one point, I had a 20 minute safety routine just so the kids could play in the yard.  Complete with sunhats, sunscreen, locking the gates to the fenced (of course) backyard, and putting out three reflective cones into the cul-de-sac so cars would know to drive slowly lest one of the children figure out how to undo the lock and make a break for freedom.

And then I followed 2 feet behind them for the entire 15 minutes we were outdoors.

Sounds a bit familiar? Nobody sets out to be a helicopter parent. But, it kind of creeps on you, doesn’t it? Here are 10 more signs.

You Might Be a Helicopter Parent if…

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You’re a positive parent or working on becoming one.

You’re proud of the choice you’ve made. It feels instinctive. Natural.

And your child is thriving. He trusts you. You’re building a strong connection. You expect your child to grow into a happy, confident and independent adult.

But just when you are getting comfortable in your role as a positive parent, your mother-in-law says you’re too soft.  She hints (or maybe even tells you openly) you need to “discipline” your child more.

Perhaps you’ve also heard friends make comments about parenting styles and you wonder if they’re really criticizing you.

— He’ll never learn to self-soothe if you don’t let him cry.

— He’s overly attached to you.

— She’s upset, quick, distract her!

— You need to show him who’s in charge!

Western society expects a parenting approach centered on adult’s wants rather than children’s needs. Punishments, time-outs, threats and rewards have become normal tools in the parenting toolbox.

So, when you’re swimming against the tide of conventional parenting how do you defend your choices?

How do you silence the critics?

How do you stay the course when everyone seems bent on dragging you into the world where parenting is synonymous with discipline based on control and obedience?

I wondered the same.

So, I delved into the science and psychology of positive parenting. Want to know what I found out?

[Read more…]

Do you ever feel doomed to being just like your parents, even though you’re trying hard to do better?

I know how hard it is to try being a positive parent when you’ve been raised in a punitive home.

Like me, you may have grown up in a home where spanking, hitting, yelling, or shaming were the main “discipline techniques.” And now maybe you’re horrified to find yourself resorting to these techniques, too.

I lay SweetPea down on the floor to change her diaper. Immediately she twists her hips to flip over so she can crawl away. Clenching my jaw, I flip her on her back again and try to distract her with singing, but she is intent on reaching her activity center. Unbidden, the image of my hand slapping the soft, tender flesh of her thigh flashes through my mind.  I take a deep breath. I acknowledge my own frustration. I decide she and I both need a break from the struggle. “We’ll try again in a few minutes,” I say as I let her go and she happily crawls away.

My impulse to lash out comes naturally to me; I absorbed it from my parents. I’ve spent the last 15 years as a teacher and nanny learning how to react differently and overcome these unbidden impulses so that I don’t pass them on to my daughter.

The good news is that it doesn’t have to take you 15 years to start becoming a more positive parent! I’ll share with you how I healed from childhood wounds and techniques you can use now to re-write your parenting scripts.

Choosing a Better Way

Re-creating the same negativity is not our destiny; we can choose a better way to raise our own kids.

The question, of course, is how?

Despite our best intentions, the things our parents said to us often become the same dreaded words we say to our kids.

“Because I said so.” 

“Stop that crying right this instant.” 

“That’s it! No TV for you tonight.”

Like my momentary impulse to slap my daughter when she resists diaper changes, the way we were parented becomes our automatic default response.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. [Read more…]