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How to Let Go of Guilt and the Fear That You’re Not Good Enough

by Jessica Gammell-Bennett.
(This article is part of the Positive Parenting FAQ series. Get free article updates here.)

not good enough - mainWhen was the last time you felt guilty and inadequate as a parent?

A year ago? Last week? This morning?

We’ve all been there.

You get a call from your child’s teacher, and they want to set up a conference about his behavior. And you can’t help but wonder what you could have done differently.

Your teenage daughter is not happy, and you just know it’s your fault.

Your son is struggling to make friends. If only you had been more attentive.

Your aunt criticizes your handling of your child, saying she would certainly be behaving differently in their house. And she probably wouldn’t have ADHD either. And you want to crawl into a tight ball.

Your toddler fell out of a highchair and hit his head. In the middle of a restaurant. With patrons all around. And you just…

That last example is mine.

We were just finishing up lunch and getting ready to leave when my rambunctious toddler tried to climb out of his highchair and fell backward, hitting his head on the floor. SPLAT.

[Read more…]

Myth of Multitasking: How to Stop and What to Do Instead

by Cortney Kilby.
(This article is part of the Mindful Parenting series. Get free article updates here.)

Myth of Multitasking - Main ImageDoesn’t it sometimes feel like it’s impossible to be a parent and not multitask?

As the mother of two very active children, aged 7 and 3, multitasking is not only a necessary evil, but crucial to me. When you add in the fact that I opened my own one-woman court reporting firm in July, plus I have a host of health issues, things become much more difficult.

My husband is not only understanding but does more than the average bear around our home. That doesn’t change the fact that, as Mom (Momma, MOMMYYYYYYYYY!!!!, MOTHER!), I do 90% of the listening-to-every-sound-and-analyzing-it-for-potential-likelihood-to-cause-death-or-dismemberment / organizing of activities & rides to and from activities / generalized and often unnecessary worrying around here.

And since I work from home, I also do a great deal of the housework.

All of this obviously requires a heck of a lot of multitasking.

I need to be able to change a diaper while I listen to my older child’s long – and I mean, like, I’m-not-gonna-be-able-to-attend-your-4th-of-July-party-because-I’ll-still-be-listening-to-this-story-my-7-year-old-is-telling-me long – story about some kid I’ve never heard of who pushed down some other kid I’ve never heard of, the story ending with, “And then my hand started to hurt,” which has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with anything she previously said, and I have to be able to convincingly feign understanding while avoiding being peed on by the diaper-less one.

And I know I’m not alone.

In a lot of parenting situations, multitasking is completely unavoidable.

So, What’s Wrong with Multitasking?

When I was growing up, multitasking was touted as a “skill,” and those most adept at multitasking were heralded as the kings (and queens!) of their industry.

Recent research however is showing that multitasking is actually detrimental to productivity and even damaging to the brain itself.

In an article published on Forbes.com, Contributor Travis Bradberry – who is a published author, a cofounder of TalentSmart, and consultant on emotional intelligence – states that multitasking can lower your IQ:

A study at the University of London found that participants who multitasked during cognitive tasks experienced IQ score declines that were similar to what they’d expect if they had smoked marijuana or stayed up all night. IQ drops of 15 points for multitasking men lowered their scores to the average range of an 8-year-old child.

Even if that’s the only consequence to multitasking, it’s still pretty terrifying.

The American Psychological Association opined that multitasking or task switching actually cuts productivity and efficiency, and raises inherent risks associated with certain activities:

For example, losing just a half second of time to task switching can make a life-or-death difference for a driver on a cell phone traveling at 30 MPH. During the time the driver is not totally focused on driving the car, it can travel far enough to crash into an obstacle that might otherwise have been avoided.

It’s not just your safety that’s at risk, either; you could be irreparably damaging your marriage and/or other personal relationships. In an article published by the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, authors Przybylski and Weinstein state:

…the presence of a diverting influence such as a mobile phone may inhibit relationship formation by reducing individuals’ engagement and attention for their partners and discouraging partners’ perceptions that any self-disclosure had been met with care and empathy. Indeed, such an impediment to relationship formation may be frustrating and isolating.

In my own experience since starting my business, attempting to multitask – for me, meaning doing anything work-related while also caring for my children – was completely counterproductive. I got angry at both of them because they wouldn’t stop asking questions or fighting or spilling things for 10 seconds, which is entirely unfair.

They got angry with me because they were bored and craved more attention and nurturing from me, which I couldn’t give and also meet deadlines. Also, completely unfair. Conversely, I noticed the more attention I devoted just to my children, without touching my phone or looking at my Apple watch, the more well-behaved they were.

So, I tried to beat my multi-tasking habit.

But…

Once you get used to it, multitasking is a tough habit to beat!

I Started by Asking Myself Some Tough Questions

Myth of Multitasking what is wrongIn my quest to be both a successful mother and wife, and a successful court reporter/business owner, I had to ask myself a few tough questions:

1. Why did I go into business for myself?

In a nutshell, I wanted more freedom and more time with my kids and husband. I wanted more control over my schedule, more say in who I worked with and what kinds of cases I encountered, and I didn’t want to spend my kids’ VERY SHORT childhoods working nonstop.

2. Has starting my own business actually helped me work toward the goal above?

The answer to this, sadly, was a resounding NO. If anything, I was more stressed and working even more hours than before. This is fairly common when starting a new business, and I knew it would be rocky at first, but if I was/am going to make any progress toward the life I really wanted, I had to/have to make intentional choices to lead me there.

3. What can I do to set myself on the road to the life I really want?

Much harder question to answer, and for a long time I didn’t feel like I had the TIME to sit down to even think about this! Around November 2016, though, I became entirely burnt out. Working was no longer exciting to me, it was a burden, and so was everything else. The stress caused by my inability to juggle everything and be the perfect business owner/wife/mother/sister/daughter/aunt/crafty-crafty mom was causing my health to go even more downhill. There was no solution BUT a solution, if you know what I mean.

When I examined the three questions above, I realized that I was spreading myself WAY too thin, and nothing I was trying to accomplish was getting my full attention, least of all my kiddos. That’s so sad to write, but it’s true. I was multitasking in an effort to accomplish more, but I was accomplishing bupkis.

So, I started setting some limits.

10 Simple Tips for Setting Limits Effectively That Have Helped Me

  • Exhausted Parents - Give Yourself a BreakGet Ruthless In Evaluating “Opportunities”: I began saying “NO” to a lot of jobs that would call in, especially if I knew they would result in more stress than income.
  • Set Up Specific Business or Personal Policies to Address Unanticipated Events: I set up an inclement weather policy stating if school closed, I would also be closed for the day, which is necessary if you live in Iowa, because sometimes we get no snow, and sometimes we get ALL THE SNOW.
  • Stop the Negative Talk: I make an effort to remind myself, over and over again, that if I have to cancel a deposition because I have to stay home with my kids, that’s okay, and if the client doesn’t understand, they’re not a client I want to work with anyway (this one is really hard for me, because I feel guilty a lot.)
  • Demand More from Your Partner: I put my foot down with my husband, saying he had to take on some of the load if/when a child was sick or daycare closed or school was out on holiday, but I had to go out for a deposition.
  • Maintain a Set Schedule: I set a start time and an end time for my workday (unless something weird happens).
  • Put Your Phone/Laptop/Tablet Away: I put my phone away in my room while my kids are home and just focus on them (though I do keep my Apple Watch on and do a brief scan of incoming e-mails in case there is anything urgent, but I have a really loose definition of “urgent.”)
  • Limit Your Hobbies to Ones You REALLY Enjoy: I have hobby-ADD, so at any given time I may be trying to learn to draw, learn to fold origami, learn to utilize a bullet journal, and learn to use my Cricut machine. I’m sure you’ve concluded by now that I don’t do any of these terribly well, but I can do them all. Lately, I have abandoned my half-finished craft projects in favor of playing with my kids on their bedroom floors.
  • Set a Schedule for Housework: Instead of trying to clean the whole house on one day on the weekend, I’m trying to spread it out more throughout the week.
  • Live in the Moment: I’m learning to be more mindful, to have a more minimalist rather than consumerist approach to life. I’m learning to do more with less which has helped a lot.
  • Remember You are Human, AND THAT’S OKAY!!: I do as much as I am capable of without sacrificing myself on the altar of perfection, and I’m coming to grips with the fact that that’s ok.

This is, and will always be, a work in progress.

As parents – and I think especially moms – we never feel “enough.” We’re not DOING enough; we’re not MAKING enough; we’re not THIN enough; we’re not WEALTHY enough.

But we are. 

We all possess the tools to raise our children in exactly the way they need to be raised, even if that means the floor isn’t as clean as we’d like, or we miss a deadline now and then.

And sometimes that also means sitting our kids down and explaining that there will be times when Mom or Dad has to work late or go out of town, and that they need to learn to be respectful of that and to be flexible.

Will we ever be able to give up multitasking entirely? Probably not.

But being aware of its side effects and being intentional in our efforts to focus on one thing at a time – and then remembering to forgive ourselves when we don’t get this completely right – is a huge step in becoming better parents and better people in general.

The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents

The road to monotasking is not a short one, and it can seem daunting. Try breaking the journey into manageable pieces, beginning with answering the following questions:

  1. What areas of my life are conflicting with one another for my time and energy? (Kids and work? Work and marriage? Extracurricular activities and family life?)
  2. Where and when do I feel the most stress, and why? (For me, this is right before I go pick my kids up from daycare, because I never feel like I got enough done during the workday).
  3. When and where do I feel the LEAST stress, and why?

Don’t answer the above questions with the intent of solving the entirety of the problem. Just identifying these areas is a huge step!! Be honest and keep the answers as simple as you can.

The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents

Over the next week, keep the following in mind and try to jot down ideas:

  • What limits can I set for myself and others to help me focus on just one thing at a time? (This can be simple things such as “I will only check my e-mail at 8 a.m., Noon, and 4 p.m.”; or “I will not respond to text messages until I come to a natural break in my current task”; or “I will set up a carpool with other parents for dance/t-ball/basketball/soccer.”)
  • What can I do to change the most stressful time/place of my day into a positive? (For instance, building a “wind-down” period into the end of my workday to summarize what I accomplished and what should be accomplished the following day has helped me feel more organized and less scattered, and consequently curtail the craving to multitask).
  • Do a cost/benefit analysis of the activities your family participates in, including extracurriculars and other things around the house. (If you’re like me and you bought a die-cutting machine, but it’s just making you angry because it’s so complicated, perhaps the cost is higher than the benefit, and you should sell that sucker. Or if your husband comes home grumpy every time he has bowling night, maybe that activity isn’t worth it. Or if you insist on cleaning the windows every Saturday morning, but you can’t get everyone else on board and you end up angry with everyone, maybe cleaning the windows shouldn’t be such a high priority).

As with all new things, don’t expect to get this perfect, or even right, on the first try. It will take some tweaking and some self-examination and some time to get in the habit of only doing one thing at a time.

But being more mindful of what you’re doing and how you’re doing it will add so much value to that activity, and you will eliminate a lot of stress.

How to Help Your Kids Understand and Curtail Angry Outbursts

by Edie Jones.
(This article is part of the Positive Parenting FAQ series. Get free article updates here.)

angry-outbursts-mainHave your kids ever screamed at you in total, uncontrolled anger?

Pretty much every mom I know has had this experience – some more than others – and still, every time we experience it, it still feels as raw as the first time it happened.

I recently had a mother pose the situation of her eight-year-old son who was having difficulty with anger. This had motivated her to ask for ways to help him. It usually happened when he didn’t get his way. This would cause him to lose control and was even affecting his ability to make friends.

Reflecting on her question took me back to when my kids were young, remembering how easy it was to respond to such outbursts with my own anger, especially when the outbursts continued.

[Read more…]

How to Be a Positive Parent When Your Growing Up Kids Don’t Want You Around

by Sarah Rosensweet.
(This article is part of the Positive Parenting FAQ series. Get free article updates here.)

Growing Kids MainRecently, my 12-year-old was showing me a school project about his future, including going to college across the country.

The idea of him going away to college wasn’t a fun one, but as cheerfully as I could muster, I said, “I can’t wait to visit you there.”

He blurted back, “You’re not invited!”

He quickly added, “Just joking!” but I got the message.

This little guy—who used to greet me so enthusiastically that onlookers thought we’d been separated for days, not hours—was telling me that he’s not so little anymore.

Our children start out as helpless infants who almost feel like an extension of our own bodies. Someday—in the not-too-distant future—they will be self-sufficient adults, possibly living across the country. It is their job to get there, and our job to support them as they grow, mature, and separate from us. Toddlers want to “Do it myself!” as they strive for independence. Your 8-year-old might like snuggles at home but don’t be surprised when she suddenly drops your hand on the way to the bus. “Someone might see us!” (Yup, it happened to me recently.)

Your child really starts in earnest on the road to independence in the tween/teen years. These can be some of the hardest you face as a parent. Kids this age can seem like children one minute and wise beyond their years the next. They take 2 steps away and one step back.

Not only is your child experiencing the physical upheaval of puberty or pre-puberty, his brain is rewiring and this can be a source of emotional upheaval.

Amid all of this, your child is doing his job and separating from you. You both will experience growing pains.

As a parenting coach and the mama of a teenager, a tween, and a pre-tween, I know how hard these years can be. You are not alone: a recent article stated that “The years surrounding the onset of adolescence are among the most difficult times for mothers. Compared to mothers of infants, these women experience the lowest levels of maternal happiness and are even more stressed than new parents.” It’s hard to move out of the center of your child’s life—let alone be excluded from the circle.

The whole point of parenting is to raise children into adults who no longer need you. That doesn’t mean it’s easy.

Sentences from my two oldest often start with “No offense, Mom…” I often get karate blocked when I go in for a hug. I’m no longer the first to know how they’re feeling or what they’re thinking.

But I also know certain tweens and teens (ahem) who still ask for tuck-ins and like me to walk them to the door in the morning to say good-bye, who seek me out to pour out their ideas and their hearts when they are in the mood.

How do we stay close to our kids when they are (developmentally appropriately) beginning to move away from us?

We need to parent for both connection AND independence. We have to hold on so they can let go.

Here are some strategies you can use and ideas to keep in mind as your growing child transitions from your little one to an adolescent and eventually, to an adult.

[Read more…]

Turning Lies Into Lemonade: How to Encourage Honesty

by Jessica Graham.
(This article is part of the Positive Parenting FAQ series. Get free article updates here.)

Teaching Honesty - Main“You’re moving?” the other mother said to me.

I looked at her in confusion.

“I am?”

Apparently, this news had come to her by way of my kindergarten-age daughter, who had announced to some of her classmates that we were moving. The impending move was news to me.

I looked at my daughter, who stared back at me impassively. Her face betrayed nothing: no guilt, no shame, no trace of wrongdoing.

“Maybe she is,” we laughed, “but the rest of us aren’t.”

A few years ago, I would have been appalled by my daughter’s bold-faced lie, which seemed to have come out of left field.

The rivers of my horror would have been deep, except that her older brother had already taken me for a swim in those waters.

A few years before at school pick up, my son’s preschool teacher and I struck up a conversation. She asked me how my husband’s job in Washington, D.C. was going. I looked at her blankly. My husband was traveling but he’d only gone a few hours away, not coast-to-coast. Had she confused me with another parent?

No, she had not.

My son, it seems, had told his class at circle time that his daddy was working in Washington, D.C. for the foreseeable future. He’d said it with such assured confidence and great specificity that multiple teachers believed it to be true.

It wasn’t the only thing that he’d said. Over the course of a week or so, he’d shared vast quantities of information with Room A: his grandparents had come to live with us, we’d had pizza for the previous night’s dinner, and he had a pet snake. Unfortunately (or fortunately in the case of the snake), none of it was true.

My heart sunk. If he could tell such off-base whoppers with panache at four, what deceptions would he be engaging in later in life?

His future flashed before me: It was a barren wasteland, full of disgrace and awash in criminality.

[Read more…]

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